ABSOLUTELY!!!!!!!!!! And, I have been told the \"rubberband thing\" a million times.
SI is extremely misunderstood. People, and even therapists and pdocs, just cannot figure out why in the hell someone would purposefully do something like that...they just don\'t get it! It is easier, and probably makes more sense to them, to label us with some *u*k*d up mental illness, and then fill us full of numbing drugs. Been there done that for 20 years!
I hear you and understand!!

OMFG, yes. I sooooo know how you feel. like, pain is only the beginning, i think its more of a control of even relief thing for me. No matter how crrazy busy i get, or how many ups and downs the relationships with my friends gets, i can always know exactly what is going to happen when i cut. i dont think that ansewered any of your questions, but i hope it made you feel better

I don\'t like that we all cut either. I feel it is a type of release or a way to compensate for the pain I feel inside emotionally. Late at night, especially when you can\'t sleep and think about all kinds of unhappy things, is a hard time for anyone who cuts. It is hard to stop and very difficult to control the urge to do it.

Rubberband? No one ever told me that one but it makes no sence to me. That is just inflicting pain another way. I find it helpful to search for why I feel I deserve the pain. I know where my hate for myself comes from in some areas so that helps me try to get passed it. I have not cut in about 2yrs but I still have a problem with hitting and scratching myself. I just try to pray and take one day at a time. If you ever need to talk feel free to contact me... Blutig_und_gebrochen@hotmail.com

hey, you said that your urges come at strange times...well, has anything happened to you at those times?? are the times consistent everyday?? also, be very careful with that therapist because the rubber band thing is really not that great. i have heard quite a few \"talk\" therapists recommend it, but it is exactly the same thing as cutting...just without the scars. hopefully you can soon find a better outlet than that...one that\'s more positive and productive. take care.

Thanks for the reply Val. I havent tried the rubberband thing that was suggested to me. I thought it was strange for her to suggest myself but she said hat \"cutters\" have a need to feel pain, and that the rubberbands will still give that pain by popping myself, but would not leave scars that I would later see and feel guilty about. I dont know. Shes a nice therapist. Easy to talk to. I guess she was just trying to give suggestions. You asked what I mean about the urges coming at strange times. I guess what I mean is, well, Im so depressed right now, and cant sleep. So usually my sister and nephew are in bed by 11pm. I will be up, alone. Nothing to occupy my brain. As soon as the house gets quiet, thoughts start creeping into my brain. I lost my mother when I was 23. I sat by her bed here in this house and held her hand while she died. I miss her so much. I need her. Then I end up with Steve. Turmoil and heartache and abuse. I felt stuck. I got pregnnt. Happiness consumed me. I love children. I wanted her so much. the depression lifted. 6 months pregnant and God changed his mind. He took her back. Despair and hopelessness filled me. I didnt care if I lived or died. I didnt even shower everyday. I barely noticed the insults from Steve, the choking, the shoving, the hitting. I looked at him one day and asked him to kill me. He said bitch you dont know what you are asking. I will do it. I said I know. Im a coward. I cant do it, but I want my mom. I want Jayden. Please do it. I begged him. He laughed at me and called me a stupid psycho bith. Thats when I sarted cutting. I was empty inside. I couldnt cry. I couldnt focus. I just existed. Thats it. And thats how I get now. I will stay awake for days. Work, come home, and lay in bed. I could never kill my self. Im a chicken. But I dont feel emotion anymore. I cut myself and watch the blood run down my legs or stomach, and I know Im still alive.

sandy, your story is so similar to mine, and I really do hear your extreme pain. As I read this post, I thought that possibly God took Jayden (the baby?) back because of the relationship you were in with Steve and how awful he was to you. Maybe He was trying to save you both. (And, actually, He succeeded.) He didn\'t want her coming into a life like that, AND He knew that if she came into the world , that it would be harder for you to leave Steve-totally. I mean, Steve would always be her father, and this would connect you to this horrible beast who calls himself a man, forever.
It\'s a horrible and excrutiating pain to lose a child in any way, at any time, for any reason-NO DOUBT. But, I, recently, have had to come to \"grips\" with God. I have had to \"realize\" that HE is the one in control, and am starting (baby steps) to realize that He really does \"know best\". He is not happy about the pain it caused you, but is happy that He was able to save you both a lifetime of pain and horrible abuse.
I know this took this thread on a \"turn\", but that\'s what it\'s all about-right? We need what we need when we need it!!
Take Care of You.

thank you Hope. You shed some light and reason on why God took Jayden. Ive been feeling so guilty and mad at him, and in time I hope I can come to terms with him (GOD) and apologize for all the \"Why??? Questions\" Ive been crying and yelling to him. The pain is unbearable. I feel as if he was cruel and punished me by going look at your child, see her breathing??? You are a bad person who makes bad decisions so Im taking her back, Thats how Ive felt since the moment she was pronounced dead. The anguish and pain are so strong it takes my breath away. I mourn for her, I beg for her. Yesterday after work I went and sat beside her grave and cried for her. I miss her so. I know that if she would have lived Steve would have held her as a pawn, threatening me with her, torturing me. I know this. I try to remind myself that she is with God, and my parents. And one day I will see her and tell her how much i love her, and how happy I was the whole time I felt her kick me, telling me she was inside me.

I saw a therapist for about a month until my parents found out and made me quit. Anyhow, it was very beneficial for me. I told her about my cutting and she asked me if I knew why that worked as a somewhat effective coping strategy for me. I assumed it was the control I had over it or the emotional release it brought. Although that is also true, she said that cutting works because when your body is injured, endorphins are immediately released to your brain. So that\'s why we kind of feel better after we cut. So it\'s really not the cutting that makes us feel better per-say, but rather the relief feeling afterward that we get from the endorphins. Now, I don\'t know if this is true for all people, but it kinda made sense for me. So technically, it would seem that all we have to do is find something else to do in our moments of greatest despair that would trigger the release of endorphins. However, that is easier said than done - trust me, I know. I don\'t want to sound hypocritical or anything because I am still cutting myself, but I thought what she said was very informative and it kind of helped me to understand things a little bit better...