I don't know I want to go cut again, I am angry. Its hard for me to speak up and say stuff to people, to really say to someone what I think, want, or just give an idea. Some times I'm able to but almost every time I do I just get kicked and put down. What happend today was the counselor I have to go see - well were trying to ease me out of it right now and most of the summer its been killing me, the only times I have cut this summer was because that was bothering me so much some times even bringing suicide thoughts. Well I was finally able to for the most part keep things to my self again, last week. And since I was doing okay I think that maybe I shouldn't go back and talk to my counselor again because I am doing fine right now and if I go and start talking about ending therapy its just going to mess me up again. She had some emergancy and canceled on me last minunet like really I was on my way there when she called. So today I finally spoke up and sent her a message saying if it would be okay for me to wait a few more weeks and to meet with her again and if something came up I'd go back. Well she sent me a message back saying she understands how I feel - and a list of times for next week. So I wrote her back again and I get a message back so does next week work for you. What the heck - and a few weeks ago I sent her message after message explaining that I wasn't ready to stop meeting with her. Its like her and my mom think they know everything and whatever I say they do the exact opposite on me and its like thet ignore me and don't listen, they did this when I was in the hospital too. I am just pissed off and tired of this stuff from everyone my counselor isn't always like this I am just really frustrated with her right now which makes me not want to see her right now even more. I don't know how to be nice about it anymore. See its been like when I want to slow down and stop talking to her she will message me everyday checking in on me or whatever and then when I need to talk or something she never responds. Also when ever I ask her something or say I don't feel up to coming this week all I get is "lets talk about that more this week or when I see you" - it gets me so pissed. I haven't been e-mailing her much because she told me to stop but I don't want to tell her that I cut 2 weeks ago. I am starting to worry that in explaining why I shouldn't come for a bit is because of how bad I cut last time - she doesn't even know I replaced my razors. I'm scared if she finds this stuff out that its going to open a whole new can of worms that I don't need right now. I don't have any "friends" left or anyone to go talk to she was who I was leaning to - and when she told me to cut back on the e-mails I didn't know much else to do I felt too alone and this time kept the cutting a secrect. Sort of I want to stop going just to be done with my moms crap about it - and just cut again so I have some release I don't know how I am going to get through school this year. The cutting is my way of getting my self what I need on my own. everything just feels messed up again right now - I just want to cry and I want to cut so I don't cry but part of me doesn't want to cut - its almost like I miss the cutting. I am sorry I don't know what to do. And I almost don't know what I am feeling but its not so good.
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