I am just writing to vent. I know writing helps sometimes.I feel like I might do something I don't wanna do, so here I am writing. I guess the idea is here that I don't want to feel alone again. Recently all my self injurious behaviors were happening during these times when I was blacked out or out of my mind or something, but the fact that I am doing it again makes me feel so guilty. Guilt was always aa trigger for my SIB. Because, I wasn't a good friend, good daughter, good sistersister or good granddaughter. Because I couldn't save my friend or my Dad. Hell I couldn't even protect myself. I thought about doing about a million things, a million different ways I could hurt myself that no one would see or know or I could just explain them away but I don't want to do this anymore. So here I am. Everyone that I talked to on here has been so kind, they don't judge me here. So here I am. I want to get better. Its so hard recently because I seen what I've done to myself during these blacked out times and just hurts my heart. Just feel like no one will love me anymore. I have scars again. I gained weight again. Just feel so skeezy. I just don't know what I want right now, or what to ask my care team for. I feel a little lost so I am here. Thank you for, reading this if you do.
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