So i was clean for a year.. That was a while back in January. Then i ended up cutting and i have described this in another post. But i ended up using a blade-the kind you can buy from Home Depot? Well i have scars now and i learned to accept them recently. I just moved in with my dad and we got into the biggest argument. I had a panic attack and was having the worst urge to cut. He was calling me the worst things. I am smart, i just don't clean much cause in my old house my mom always cleaned for me and that's how i grew up. Laugh at me if you want, but when i think of a mop i think of the one with the strings hanging.. you know? Well when he dropped something and it was "my fault" (long story) i had to clean it up. Because none of them looked like a mop i grabbed one to try and use it and i was called a moron and an idiot. Funny because he said i am only "smart" when it's convenient for me. Although i was the one who figured out how to set his high-tech watch, and told him how to spell "vehicle." I was called a bitch, douche, loser and so on. I couldn't take it so i cut myself. Not bad at all. The blade i found didn't do much damage even though i wanted to truly bleed a lot and feel the pain. I don't want the red marks and scabs. But i don't want to stop now that i started again. My dad hasn't noticed them, and probably won't since he doesn't pay too much attention to me like that. He barely even truly listens when i talk and always interrupts me as if he hasn't been listening.. I sometimes drink when i am upset and it's really easy to get some in my house. But alcoholism is right down my line. My grandpa, aunt and my dad drinks a lot. I am worried about that as well, but i feel as if for drugs there is so much help and for alcohol. But i feel like no one gives a shit about the people who SI themselves. Not that i would ever ask or say i need help. I feel like if my dad truly looked at me, behind my fake smile, behind the fake laughs. But then i think maybe sometimes they aren't fake; i am a strong person. I know at the end of the day no matter what i go through, i could go through worse. I have literally the most wonderful best friend i could EVER ask for. And it truly upsets her so much that i do this to myself. To me, i don't care if i do it. To me it isn't bad, it's just the people that judge you think it is. I wish he would look at me, and see the pain i feel. The pain that is literally in my heart. It feels so weird saying that cause it's a feeling i can't even describe. Do i need help? Do i want help? I wish he would just say you're getting help and that's final because in reality i wouldn't want to go.. but deep inside i know i probably, might need to.. But i don't know what i am supposed to do.. I don't want to keep feeling the numbness that truly is all just pain. I am in no way saying that i have been through the worst, but i have felt things no child or teenager should feel. I was born into the problems and raised through them. I was raised wrong. I am not a mushy person, but i was not truly shown love. I mean, i got everything i wanted and still do a lot. That i am grateful for- but i truly just want my dad to hug me. A real hug. And help me, and show me the love i have never had. I know that won't happen, and that is fine. But one can wish, right? I guess i am done writing now..So if you actually read all of this, kudos. And thanks for reading all the rambling lol
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