I looked in the mirror today, big mistake. I tried on clothes in the store today... another big mistake. I have lost weight, but not enough. I am being hard on myself, well that's what everyone is saying, but I am just not good enough. Even though I have lost 3 dress sizes in a year I disgust myself. I can't see the progress in the mirror and that makes me frustrated, angry at myself for being such a fat ugly pig. When I cut and people find out they think it's because I want to punish myself... maybe it sort of is... but mostly its to help the frustration dim a bit so my head won't explode. People are starting to think I have some kind of eating disorder... I know I don't. Just because I count calories, exercise loads, take diet pills and measure myself loads does not mean I have a problem! I just need to lose the lard, that's all. I am still very overweight. I have over 30 pounds to lose. I don't want to cut, but sometimes its the only way to get rid of the frustration and shame and things. I have improved a lot since being on this site and maybe only SI once or twice a fortnight.... I can even go a month without...Sometimes the skills I have learned just don't work when my emotions are at their worst. Like a house trying to hold up a bad storm, sometimes the storm wins I guess. I dunno... I'm rambling aren't I? Sorry about that.
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