i'm in a really bad place at the moment. i have some really strong triggers around feeling rejected because my father was sexually inappropriate with and then left for good when i was 14. my relationship is currently long distance because i had to go home to be with my sister while she has brain surgery. and the guy i'm in love with you i want to believe means it when he says he's in love with me is pressing my trigger buttons with both hands. this sounds so trivial to be feeling bad about the week my sister has been so dangerously ill but its really hurting me. he won't call me his girlfriend although we have been together almost six months. i really don't understand. we had never really had a conversation about it until last night but i didn't think it was going to be such a huge deal to him. i feel like he's ashamed of me and like he feels like i'm not good enough to be acknowledged by him in public. i feel like if he really loved me he should be, as i am, kinda wanting to tell everyone. there's part of me that feels like i need to be strong about what i need in order to feel ok about myself but i'm scared of losing him. but bottom line its a massive hit in my already non existant self esteem that i'm his secret girlfriend and it makes it so hard not to want to cut myself up really badly and jump back into my anorexia. i'm not good at dealing healthily with feeling pain or rejection which is why i've been a cutter for more than ten years... and i want him to see how much he's hurting me. my triggers are already been pretty hit with how scared i've been that my sister could have died and i just don't know if i have the strength for anything else at the moment. i've been so closed off for so long because i've been hurt so badly in the past and this is the first person i've really taken a chance on and the first time i've ever really let someone in. i guess my question is: if he really loves me like i love him then why does he make me wanna cut myself so badly?
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