Ok I am sry for posting all thisw negative stuff so often but i need help. I am really struggling. Tghe urges to cut are soo strong and i am all alone. I am not happy. I am really thinking about suicide. I just want the pain to go away. The pain is too great.. i am such a burden to everyone. My family would be soo much better w/o me. I really believe that. My mom tells me thats not true but i believe it. I believe that I would be better off if I was dead. The pain would be over thats for sure. I wouldn't have to live in this hell anymore. The constant anxiety, depression and stuff. AHHHHHHH!!!!! I feel so alone. I have no friends to go hang out with it. My best friend lives 5 hours away. I wanna cut and I wanna cut deep. I wanna slice and dice. I have an exacto knife to do it with too. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want this all to end. I feel like its never going to get any better. I am too scared or something to make the changes that I need to make. Obviously what I am doing isn't working so I need to do something different but I really don't know what. Maybe its volunteering more but i have looke4d into that and there r no more hours where I vlunteer. Msybe I need to dye my hair. Idk. I just need help. I am in an outpatient program four days a week and Idk if its helping. i am still struggling. I tell them how I feel and everything. Oh well. I just got out of the hospital on 9/9 and I don't wanna go back but i know tht if I keep cutting which I have been doing a lot or if the suicidal thoughts get worse that is exactly where I will wind up. Part of me doesn't want to be honest with ppl for that reason. Idk what to do. If I am honest i may wind up back in the hospital but if I am not then they will say that they can't help if I am noot honest. Idk. Maybe I should just kill myself this weekend and then i wouldn't have to worry about it at all. Idk. I just feel sick. I wsh I had someone to hang out with but I don't. I feel so alone. I am not worthy of having friends or be happy. i am not a good enough person. Ok I am going to end this rambling nonsense. I could really use some help and support here. Thanks.
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