I don't like how summer is ending for me. I'm really really worried about going to college. I dont feel alright right now. I felt pretty fine all summer. actually more numb but it felt fine. and now i'm finally realizing that im really alone and that everything is about to change again. i feel so inadequate when i think of how everyone else is excited to go to college and im really afraid of it. im afraid of all the change. and of failing. or if it gets bad again and i start to cut again. or being too overwhelmed and wanting to do more than cut. sometimes i feel like being alone is good for me because its better than being around people who are shitty for me or who are a complete waste of time. but other times like tonight the feeling of being so completely lonely just really hits me. :( i dont know what someone can do in life to be feeling this shitty at such a young age i dont understand. i feel so overwhelmed and afraid and the changes that college is giving me arent even happening yet. why am i not normal. why does it completely freak me out and send me wanting to cut for the first time in MONTHS. i dont know why i do this to myself. i just want things to not bother me like this. :( i know im not going to cut right now. and i know i dont want to kill myself or anything. but if i really just lay down and think about how afraid i am. or about all the change. it all seems so worthless and overwhelming i feel like completely giving up and ending it. it really scares me that such a normal thing that almost everyone goes through gives me such negative feelings. whyyy the hell am i doing this. :(
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