i feel myself going back into old habits and routines. i threw out all of the objects i used a while ago because i wanted to consider it a stage in my life and not a serious problem. I cut myself from age 9 to 16. Never bad enough to be hospitalized. They were done in perfect order, all same lengths and even and straight lines. I think that characteristic of the reflects my need for order and perfection. Nothing is stable in my life, yet at the same time everything is constant.. the same people in my life have basically always been here.

Anyways i guess i would call what I'm going through a relapse.. I have incredibly low-self esteem and self-worth. I'm well aware I'm seen as attractive to others- i don't mean this in a vain way, I'm just honest. But others thoughts don't really help. I dated this guy for 1 year and 3 months. we were absolutely everything to each other, in love, best friends. we've been broken up for a little over a year and now are hooking up again, but not together or dating. however its still exclusive. he acts like he likes me. he does things to make me laugh constantly an d impress me. since we've been hooking up its been tearing my up inside to even think about him. I still love him as a friend and i know he loves me too. I just really don't know if he likes me. i cant come straight out and ask because i am so fearful of rejection again. adding to me low self-esteem, he doesn't complement me or do anything gentlemen-like.. which in turn makes me feel like i am worth nothing to him. i know how he was when we dating and he was so sweet and caring. i don't know what to do. i really still love him and i think im just being used. im so scared of him hurting me