my stomach feels empty but i know it's full because i've been eating like a friggen pig lately, it's friggen disgusting. i just really want to give up. i can't do this. i can't i can't i can't. i give all this advice but i'm just a broken puppet. i just need to cut. this is too much to handle without cutting. cutting was my life and i am mourning like some friggen natural disaster just occured in my mind. the guy i love doesn't love me back and blah blah and there is someone who has been very flattering to me but she is a female and i don't know how i feel about that, not that i'm against it or anything, but i'm still a lame virgin so i don't even know what i'm into. but she says she wants to be something with me and i have been just pushing her away and she is on vacation right now and i miss her lots, i miss her voice, i miss having somebody to talk to. texting just doesn't cut it sometimes. i just friggen wish i had a tool right now so i could stop some of this pain. i have been trying to let go of it with cigarettes but i already had two after therapy today and i feel like that's enough for me. even though in rehab i'd smoke like 8 a day, sometimes half a pack. i don't want to get addicted and people are telling me that i am but i don't want to be... therefore i'm not...? goshhh. i friggen need a tool. seriously. this is pathetic. i need to relapse. i can't do this. i can't live like this. i can't always be in pain. i have been stopping my 4 daily pills cold turkey and i know it's not the best thing to do but i don't really care right now. if it makes me sick it makes me sick. half of me just wants to down a week's worth of pills so i can just show people i have taken them. like, see? you wanted me to take them. here, i have. eff if it's not in the quantities you wanted them to be but i still friggen took them! too bad if i die. too bad if i bleed tonight. too friggen bad.
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