ive gotten so far into this, so used to it, that it doesnt seem to matter anymore, i dont feel guilty, im not really that bothered, in fact i dont really feel anything when i do it. i dont know how its got to this but i cant stop, and im snowballing so very fast, i need someone to help me. its beyond what i ever thought it would be, its beyond the scratches every so often, its like a constant want to hurt, to feel like something, to feel like somebody.
my friends all tell me how good i am at listening and how down to earth and honest i am, which isnt fake, i genuinely like to be that person because then at least it give me reason to continue, i feel like im worth something. but sometimes i just think, what a joke... if they knew any of this it would be different. i dont know what im trying to say, i need help, i know that, im scared to ask, i dont want them to know, but at the same time, i know they need to before i do something stupid. it is like a battle, im losing the battle, i can feel that, but if i get through it, i want to win the war, because i hate it so much, with everything i have, i hate this.