It's been a long time since Ive been here but I can feel myself slipping. I managed to cope or at least started to, I found a new job which made things easier. I've been wrestling more and that career actually looks like it is starting to go somewhere, with the interest of Aerican companies I am now recieving. And because of this I havnt cut, because I was caught out on a show and what kind of impression does that give the younger fans when they see a professional wrestler covered in self harm scars? Instead Ive been doing alot of other things I shouldnt have been. Things I cant go into. And every now and then for no apparent reason, the tears and panic attacks will kick in if only for an hour or other times I look at my pills and just think about taking them al right there and then. Safe to say I havnt yet, but I feel if something goes wrong again I wont be strong to cope again. I still miss my baby, it was due June 20th and I killed it. And everyone around is having/had babies and it is slowly killing me. I think of where I could be and where I should be and it hurts me more then anyone can imagine, I think about who should be next to me. And they are no longer here, but I hope and I pray to dear god that they are looking down on me and that they are rpoud of MOST of the things I a doing, but dread to think what they would be saying when they see me doing the wrong things. But these wrong things make me feel better about me, they help me but no one would understand, espicially my boyfriend....
Sorry just had to vent.
Sorry just had to vent.
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