I am really struggling right now. I am having serious urges to cut and its getting harder and harder to ignore them. I wanna cut really bad and i wanna cut deep. Everytime I go home all I wanna do is cut. its very scarey. I don't even feel safe in my own house anymore. SIGH!!! I have had a few thoughts of not wanting to be on this planet anymore, but mostly i wanna cut. I was a crying, sobbing mess a few mintes a go and I am stil crying a little bit. I have had some thoughts of going to the hospital but i am going to stay at my moms tonight and see how i feel tomorrow. If I still feel this anxious, depressed and if I still have urges like this I will probably go to the hospital, but for tonight i am safe at my moms. I wanna go home but it would not be a good idea. I would cut if I did that and then the choice of going to the hospital would be taken away from me and it would be a decision that was made fofr me which is not what I want. I really don't know what to do. I mean I feel awful but I am trying to get through this w/o going to the hospital but its getting really hard. The first thing I thought of when I woke up this morning and the last thing I was thinking about before going to bed was cutting. I know thsn't a good sign. Nobody wants me to go to the hospital. Everyone says use your coping skills. I know you can use them and get through this. Its nice that they have faith in me but I am really struggling here. I know it doesn't matter what other people say but I tend to listen to them and they think i can do this then I must be able to. Idk. They asked me if I needed to go to the hospital and i said idk. I guess that was my opportunity to say so if I really wanted or felt like I needed to go, Oh well. I just want all this bulllshit to go away and for my life to get back to normal whatever that is. I want the urges to subside and I want the anxiety to subside. My Pdoc just increased one of my anti anxiety meds and its not helping. I want it to help. I want it to help with the anxiety but its not. Oh well. I just wish that I felt better and that I wans't stuck in this self destructive cycle. AHHH!! Help. I need help. I am so scared that I am going to do some real damage to myself but i don't wanna go to the hospital tomorrow and sit there for a holiday weekend w/o even seeing my Dr. Yeah I see the guy whose working that weekend but it may not be my Dr. Oh well. If thats what I have to do then that what I have to do. Maybe I will tell my mom i am going to be safe and then go home and cut. I really need to. Its been since Monday. Ok thats enough rambling for now. Any support/advice/input would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
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