****The following may trigger some. Please stop reading if you need to.*****

I've been working through some tough feelings. I know that I'm not ugly or stupid. I can pretend that I don't feel that way, but I often do. I'm struggling with wanting to self injure. I know that I'm trying to numb myself and that it will only delay the healing process if I try to continue numbing myself. I just don't want to feel the way I feel. I know that cutting is not what I really want, though.

I need to know that I'm really not going to "get in trouble" or go crazy from admitting that my dad, whom I love, sexually abused me in brutal ways during his own flashbacks and drunkenness related to his own issues. When he wasn't doing that, he was loving, charming, and fun--and I loved him. I related to two different dads as a kid. As an adult, I have to accept that he was both. It doesn't add up. It hurts a lot. When he was dying, I chose to forgive him. I promised (myself more than him) that I would continue to forgive him. I need to for my own healing and spiritual recovery. I need to so that I can more fully relate to God and my husband and son (and daughter, for that matter).

I also have this "crazy" fear that somehow, even though my dad has died, that he will somehow punish me for believing that he abused me (even though he admitted it before he died) and for remembering and grieving what he did. I'm also grieving that he's not here to continue the healing journey which he began.

I need to fully accept the abuse for what it was so that I can finish "growing up" and move forward. I've squandered so many of my gifts because I've been hiding for so long. I've been afraid to live fully. I choose to do this. I could keep limping along, but I don't want to live like that any more. I'm a bright person and gifted in many ways. Instead of striving to grow my gifts, I've strove to hide them. No more. I don't know how I will grow them, yet, but I will no longer pretend to be less than I am so that others won't notice me. I want to use my gifts for my family and for others. I'm not out for glory, but I'm not doing anyone any favors by pretending that I'm "no good." That comes directly from my dad. I may have to accept that the part of him that I loved may have been just as harmful as the part of him that hurt me."

Thanks for reading. I hope I didn't make a mistake by posting here.