Oh dear god. I don't even know how many months I haven't done this for, haven't even thought about it but right now I really want to. It's like I've been thrown in at the deep end again, right at the beginning and I have no idea how to stop myself, a little scared to do it and more scared not to. This is messed up. I don't know what to do. I don't want to want to do it.
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