Whatever happens stay strong and don't give up. You are a unique and smart person who is valuable and important.

If I were you, I'd call a psychiatrist myself and ask them to talk to your parents and tell them it is urgent. Explain to psychiatrist all the symptoms you've been enduring. Any psychiatrist with compassion and brains will work hard to find a solution with your parents. They might also know of county or state funding programs to pay for your consultation. At the very least, they may be able to give you free medicine from the free samples that they get from drug companies.

Please stay strong. If you dont' think you can make it, then go straight to a hospital, talk to the mental health section, tell them all of your symptoms, and tell them that you think you might become dangerous.

Your well being is much more important than anything else. Your parents will just have to learn it the hard way. But it is better for you to be safe than not safe. When you are in the hospital, have them help you apply for SSI and SSDI. Those can pay for health care for people who can't afford it otherwise.

Be very assertive that you need care to these people, and don't take know for an answer. If they won't listen to you, then refuse to leave until they have a psychiatrist come talk to you. Be honest and feisty if you have to and dont let them try to twist your words around. Be very very direct. Tell them everything.

I wish you the very very best. We are all on your side over here. What state do you live in, maybe we can try and find out some healthcare financial help?

I am trying.

I live in FL.

My dad is a painter, and our money depends on how the market in our area is doing. We may have done well the year before, or eariler in the year, but come on hard times suddenly. I don't know how this works with that...

Whatever I do, I can't seem to bring myself to let anyone know that it is urgent. I do my best to pretend i'm fine while still trying to get help.

It doesn't seem to be working.

I am trying. I don't know if i'm at the point where I am going to be unsafe or not. I think I am safe.

Seriously, don't pretend it's not urgent, that will not be helpful to you. Don't focus on the money, focus on how you can get them to help you. The money is really an afterthought. Your safety depends upon your sanity and your safety is the most important thing.

I'm still looking up stuff, but maybe have your dad look at this:

www.floridahealthfinder.gov/medical-help-resources/prescription-drugs.shtml

Here's an organization that provides health care for people without insurance in FL in a certaint county. You are probably not in this county, but you should email this organization and try to talk to them over the phone because they probably know of other services that would help you....

FLORIDA

Mark Lee Szurek, Ph.D.
Rural Health Network of Monroe Co., FL, Inc.
P.O. Box 4966
Key West, Florida 33041
Email: mszurek@rhnmc.org

Here are some links to healthcare stuff in FL for people with no insurance. These might be more useful:

www.floridahealthfinder.gov/medical-help-resources/emergency-room-alt.shtml

www.floridahealthfinder.gov/medical-help-resources/medical-resources.shtml

Last but not least...

http://ahca.myflorida.com/Medicaid/index.shtml

This is an important page about applying for Medicaid. Which provides medical insurance for people with low or no incomes.

Medicaid is what paid for my hospital stay when I was homeless and it pays for my medicines and doctor visits and medicines now since I'm unemployed.

I don't know, it looks like such a big project.

I am feeling highly unmotivated. I just can't handle anything right now. I will just have to wait till my dad gets a job.

My mom has a job as a teacher though, so we have some money. It's just tight and obviously they don't think it's important?

He is looking for work...so it shouldnt be too long? People need their houses painted eventually.

are you in a university or a junior or community college? there should be psychiatric help available at a univresity, possibly community too. I would recommend looking into it as soon as possible. you should be able to get treatment inexpensively. really look into this through your student health center, call and talk to a nurse, tell them what is going on and they will be able to tell you if they have psychiatrists and schedule an appointment if they do.
Also maybe you should try being more direct with your parents if as you said you are holding back, maybe that can help too.
Take care, hugs!

Please just have your parents look at the links I posted up before this. Especially the Medicaid link. I think the solution to your money problem could be in that information. So you can get treated and get better and feel better right away. There's no need to wait for anything. Medicaid works such that you can have it pay for your treatments after you've already had them, instead of before sometimes.

It is a small community college. I don't even go to the main campus; that is quite a drive away just to see the "personal wellness adviser".

I can't seem to break the image i've worked so hard to create. I have more room for myself if people think I am doing okay.

if nothing else you should be able to get some help from a disabled students office.
just a thought but it is all up to you.
i hope that you made enough room, for yourself. i think that the longer you are not honest the more problems you are creating. it sounds like you really need to talk to someone, like a professional.
You can always talk here, so you are not completely without means
peace & good luck searchingforsolace!!
sodapop

The problem with keeping up an image that you're doing ok when you're not, is that it gets harder and harder to keep up. And hallucinations (hearing voices) tends to get worse and worse when not treated. You might get to the point where you aren't in touch with reality. And that would be really bad. Please consider all of my advice.

I very nearly lost touch with reality last night...

I was very close to breaking down and having to go to a hospital again.

I am so tired because I laid in bed for over 5 hours last night watching these 'dreams' play though my mind's eye, only I wasn't sleeping and they were nightmares.

But I held on though it all and made it to another day.

(had to take the aforementioned test on 40 mins of sleep)

The voices kept telling me it would be better for me in the long run to just go into relapse right now because it is the only way to get treatment.

I am starting to forget why this is such a bad idea. I am starting to wonder if i can make it much longer. But i'm holding on.

It would be better to be in the hospital getting treated and feeling better. After you get stabilized and on a regimen then they let you out of course.

Some scientists think that psychosis causes chemical brain damage. It's best not to let psychosis keep happening to you like what just happened.

You're holding yourself back. Please seek help.