Ok so I am at thresholds Playing pool and trying to interact with people socially. But do not feel that i am doing so well. At one point i was pissed then really really nervous (actually shacking a little). This i saw a sign of weakness on my part. I then started to feel like i was messing with people. Or like i was acting in a manor that was being mean for no reason (yet no one told me anything or said anything that at least as far as I remember). I also was worried that i had gotten so nervous i peed in my pants, and was smelling it so i thought that everyone around also new this but said nothing out of kindness and understanding. Then i went down and talked to RJ (a staff member) and explained that i felt like i was messing with people but was not confronted about, and was unsure if it was just in my head or was happening in actuality. He suggested that i go to the problem solving group and write it on a sheet of paper and discuss it. Also suggested that i was over stimulated and that i should relax. So i go outside and sit down for a little bit and have a cig. I then go back upstairs to the pool room and play pool again (feeling more relaxed) and sit in a chair. While up there people were discussing things like did you learn anything. THE HOLE TIME both before and after talking to RJ i was having problems with what was addressed to me or someone else and exactly what everything meant. Well as i am sitting in the chair D (a member and group participant) comes up to me and asks me is thresholds helping me. I respond so so. And he says perhaps you are to good or well of to be at thresholds. I get up and leave. I was thinking that he was confronting me about my actions an (or on the behalf of others) and that i was no longer welcome there. So I leave without saying anything.

On the bus ride home I kept thinking what is wrong with me and what am I going to do know? Should i isolate myself further, should i go to the hospital. Am i going to be this way the rest of my life.

so i get home and call R and leave a message explaining the situation with Dale and asking if my interpretation of the events was right and I am no longer welcome or if i just totally misunderstood what was happening. I am still not sure if this is just me being unable to acutely, or was completely misunderstanding what was going on what was directed at me what was in my head and who was talking to who and about what.

So know I find myself not trusting myself or my views on things much and not sure who to turn to or what to do. I will call Thresholds in the morning and if still welcome there will show this to RJ and who ever else is needed to straighten things out.

My biggest fear at this point is that A) there is something seriously wrong with me that will ruin my life. B) it is permanent C) I still have no idea what is going on with me and what to do about it. D) I still dont fully know what i can or want to do with my life. I would like to attend school but am unsure if i can function well. Other times I think do i really want to do that (not sure why). Its all such a mess in my head and i feel like i change form but am unsure if i act differently or if it is all just in my head.

As a result of this i have little confidence in myself in general, even less around new people (not sure how to act or what to expect, or what means what) and also worry about my ability to function properly or take care of myself properly. There are delusions i cant seem to shake but know are just wrong. I worry that i am hurting/messing with people also worry people are messing or withholding things from me. I look for clues externally to validate my thinking inside (like i see someone nod i think it is in reference to my thoughts). The strange thing is that now looking back at it I realize that at least this part is wrong. But i cant seem to shake it or fully reject it as false it seems to stay around and cause great uncertainty in me and what is directed at me is.

So I am wondering how do I treat this? Is this permanent? If so does it get better and am i going to be able to function, interact with people normally out side of the few people that I seem able to already? Why do i seem to have goals then no goals? why do i say things then am unsure after saying it if it is correct or not?