I can absolutely relate to this struggle. While I work very hard to protect my family from my pain, because let's face it can be damaging to them to witness it and feel completely helpless to change it, it is impossible to be 100% stoic. Having said that I also think it is difficult for men to grasp something that's really more than physical, it's really emotional for women to suffer this. I think that may be more what the barrier is about. Not that they don't care or understand but that they are not equipped to deal with something really emotional. They also are not typically helpless creatures so when they are faced with this it is understandable to me that they sort of instinctively retreat from a lack of knowing better what to do. I work hard to forgive my husband this. I know he loves me, I also know he doesn't know what to do. So what I find myself doing is getting support from women in my life, even if they can't relate they provide an emotional support that may never be available with a man. Because women tend to speak the same language it's easier to work through some of the issues of chronic illness with them. They can also be more objective because they are not as close as a spouse or child would be. That helps me protect my family from as much as of this as I can. I don't know if this is in any way helpful it's just what has sort of come out of having lived this with him for 21 years. Maybe I should expect more but I am able to consider his limitations and it's hard but it's helpful. It took a long time for me to be this patient but it has been worth it to have him continue to help in the ways he's capable of helping, less direct but always loving ways. Be well.

I can totally relate. My husband feels like he's always having to "pick up the slack". He once said, during a really bad flare, "Is it always going to be like this?" It was very upsetting to me. I feel dependent sometimes, and when I think about ever being single again, if that were to happen, the fear of having RA as a single person is even scarier! I don't feel like anyone except people who have it will ever really get it. Recently, I complained to my mom that my fingers were getting increasingly worse and more swollen. Her reply was, "Did you eat a lot of salt last night?" I do often wonder what it would be like if the shoe was on the other foot. I consider myself a very strong, willful person and I think if my husband were to have gotten RA, he wouldn't handle it as well as I have. I kept working. It's hard for me to imagine that he would have done the same. Thank you for the good thread!

I too can relate. My boyfriend is a "fixer" and always wants me to do something to fix this. He gets frustrated when I can't do simple things. He is afraid of what the future holds for us as he plans to stay active and virile as long as possible and doesn't want to be "saddled" with an invalid in our old age. (we aren't married but have a lifetime commitment) He is VERY helpful at home and when I don't feel good he tucks me in bed and wants to make it all better. As long as I have a positive outlook and appear to be "fighting it" I think he can handle it. If I gave up I think he would too. Luckily, even though he is normally active, he can stay in and watch movies and not have to be doing something all the time. I think if our roles were reversed I might not be so understanding, I'm not a "natural" nurturer. Like Sarah I can't imagine single life with RA, what would you tell someone if you were to become involved?

I have been married 31 years and have always been the strong one in our relationship. When I was diagnosed 11 years ago it was very hard for me to ask my SO for help. He had been used to me being strong and just taking charge and getting things handled. When I got sick it was really bad, there were times he had to dress me,get me in and out of the bathtub and squeeze the toothpaste to name a few. Initially, I don't think he really understood what I was going through. RA has the arthritis conotation attached to it and people don't understand that RA is different from normal arthritic aches and pains. Fortunately he is a great guy and although I know it bugs him at night if I moan and groan in pain and keep him up that he is my biggest supporter and is available to help me with whatever I need. I think he has learned over the years that often more than anything I need gentle hugs and reassurance when I get overwhelmed with pain. When he knows I am really down he throws his arms around me. I have seen the shoe on the other foot, not on a permanent basis. Most men are babies and do not deal well with pain. I am convinced that is why women go through childbirth not men. My husband tries very hard to calm me down and keep my stress level low because he understands that can trigger a flare. Sometimes I think he isn't happy to "pick up some of the slack" but he does it without complaining. I cannot vaccumm anymore so that has become his job. He helps me carry in the groceries and takes up the laundry for me. On the flip side I have made him a very comfortable and happy home. I keep a clean house, enjoy cooking for him, let him have his big screen and sports, and help him with his work when he needs me too. You haven't been married long enough to understand there is give and take in marriage. You should never keep tallies on either side. We both try hard to make the other happy and that goes a long way in helping when you have a disease that makes your relationship with your hubby a threesome! Hope this helps.

I think about this a lot lately. I have had RA since I was 4...the last few years all these "new things" have been happening and now I have a duel diagnosis of Lupus and RA. I made adjustments for the RA since it has always been part of my life. I do not wear things that tie, or require me to button things. I guess that sounds goofy. Simplified my life a long long time ago.

But lately, even that is too much. I am so tired all the time. All I do is sleep. I do not feel like cleaning or doing dishes. And things are a mess and I feel like I am going crazy bc I can not take the mess. The kids are running around like crazy.

And do not get me started on the guilt when my kids want something from me, i am just physically not able to give at that time. They are young, they do not understand why mom can not go on a bike ride right now.

I have known my husband for 16 years. Together the last 9. He knew what he was getting...and still...Things have been so bad.

Yesterday when I saw the Rheamy, I begged him to go with me. then I go and spent over 4 hours there. They did so many test. And before I left, He put me on blood thinners and told me I have to take them the rest of my life. I left in tears. I called my husband at work. And he just...He was feeling guilty for not going with me. And I wanted him there and needed him...But I do not want him to have to "deal with it all" too. Does that make any sense?

I love him. I love my kids. I want them to have joy, not the stress, worry, pain, etc..

My boyfriend tries very hard to understand. Sometimes he gets it, and sometimes I think he thinks I'm being a drama queen. LOL. I have told him there will be good and bad days, and this isnt going away entirely. I dont think that's fully sunk in for him. But he's a great man and he does try to help where he can.

I am another one that can relate to this subject. I have only recently been diagnosed with RA. I've only been "sick" for about 6 months. But... this couldn't have come at a worse time. My husband is away at training for a year. I try really hard to keep this to myself as to not add to his stress. But in doing so, I feel like there are times I want to explode! Anger, frustration, you name it, I am feeling it right now. I have family to help but they are a distance away and I have always been the type that doesn't ask for help. I hate feeling helpless! Grrrrrr!

I don't want to burden my husband with this, because he has so much going on. I am having a tough time dealing with the RA and him being away. I can feel this pulling us apart. When he does get home, I am worried if he can really handle this or not.

RA isn't just my problem, it's his now too.

I am so very very lucky to have such a kind understanding boyfriend. My exhusband couldnt deal with my celiac disease at all. My current boyfriend though is a blessing. I think some of it is because his mother has had issues with her stomach. He handles my celiac like a champ its not a big deal that my diet is severely restricted. He handles my arthritis like a champ. He understands I have good days and bad days. Often he can see a bad day and will make me stop doing something before I wear myself out or hurt myself. He has a way of doing that to thats not offensive but gentle. There has been more than one occassion where I was riding a bike or running where he has slowed me down knowing how competative I am but knowing I wasnt doing well that day. Unlike others in my past he encourages me though and doesnt try to stop me from doing new things or being competative. He tells me dont compare yourself to others you have things in your life they dont be the best you you can be. He tells me on a bad day we all have bad days its ok. I'm very lucky to have this. He's also awesome with my daughter.

I wont lie though all the medical terminology that comes out of my mouth can frustrate him at times LOL.

Hi April
You are saying your husband is a wonderful, wonderful man and you two signed on the dotted line in marriage til death do us apart and for better or worse so I think he will understand if you talk about your RA.My wife has Lupus and other things wrong with her and before I was diagnosed with RA I didn't know what she was going through but was there for her when she needed me.I don't think you have anything to worry about.
One more thing I have to say in your message is where you are saying put ones shoe on ones other foot! You are so right!!! I use that phrase all the time! April take care! Natman