Rheumatoid Arthritis Support Group
Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic, inflammatory, multisystem, autoimmune disorder. It is a disabling and painful condition which can lead to substantial loss of mobility due to pain and joint destruction. The disease is also systemic in that it often also affects many extra-articular tissues throughout the body including the skin, blood vessels, heart, lungs, and...
Since I was diagnosed with RA, my wife is the main breadwinner in our family. A year and a half ago she started her own business and is doing extremely well (obviously I'm very proud of her). Both of us have had to adjust to this new role and though it took a bit of time, we are in harmony again.
In the past week, we have noticed that both our mothers still have some trouble with the situation. My wife is going away for a week on business next week, an opportunity to great to pass up on (I told her she should go). But our mums have both voiced their opinions against the trip. The reasons are that my wife should be 'realistic' about her endeavors and that I deserve a 'holiday' as well.
Has anyone else encountered this situation and how have you dealt with it?
In the past week, we have noticed that both our mothers still have some trouble with the situation. My wife is going away for a week on business next week, an opportunity to great to pass up on (I told her she should go). But our mums have both voiced their opinions against the trip. The reasons are that my wife should be 'realistic' about her endeavors and that I deserve a 'holiday' as well.
Has anyone else encountered this situation and how have you dealt with it?
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Does anyone know if a better RA forum than this one? I always loved to come here. I would read a lot & post some. Now it's so hard for me to read the posts. I have a laptop & half the screen is taken up by the huge banner at the top. I don't like it. I'm not comfortable with it. I will probably not hang around very long. So sad. :(
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A friend sent this to me..As far as I can see, grief will never truly end.It may become softer overtime, more gentleand some days will feel sharp.But grief will last as long as Love does - ForeverIt's simply the way the absence of your loved onemanifests in your heart. A deep longing accompaniedby the deepest Love some days. The heavy fog mayreturn and the next day, it may recede.Once again, it's...
It sounds a little like your mum is concerned you will be hurt, depressed or demeaned by the positive achievements your wife has made. And that your wifes mum is concerned her daughter will "out-do" your achievements and no longer be the traditional home-maker/supporting wife she should be.
Our modern lives are so used to role-reversal, house-husbands and the like, but our parents still find this concept causes anxiety for them.
Reassure them of how proud you are of your wife and that you fully support her in her ventures, and similarly your wife can reassure her mother that she fully supports your needs and that you are in fact in "partnership" together.
And then just keep reassuring them, they need to hear it directly from you; that both you and your wife work as a team and that you are both happy and satisfied by the mututal arrangements. Tell them about the positive outcomes of the business trip and similarly about a planned holiday you are looking at taking.
Theres nothing like a mothers love! Good luck with your ventures and all the best.
Thank you for your insight, it had not occurred to me that traditions of our mothers generation would play a role. Though we have talked to them about it, it may not be absolutely clear.
Being new parents (our son is 3) I can't fathom the inability of my mother in law in particular to be proud of her children and give them unconditional support. She is a lovely and caring person, but these issues have become evident in recent years. Could this be characterized as a generational difference as well?
I'm intrigued and inspired by your post. Intrigued because I see myself in your situation a few years down the road (i.e. current breadwinner, but see the possibility of future disability given the rather sudden and rapid acceleration of my RA six months ago).
I'm encouraged to hear that you and your wife have resolved, what could be a very thorny issue in some marriages. I also see your picture with your son and imagine myself spending much more time with our three children (4 year old triplets), which would be only benefit (as far as I'm concerned) if I had to face complete disability one day.
About your two mums, it seems as they may not have come to grips with the reality that RA is a debilitating disease, and truly prevents you from working. I remember that even a few months ago when the pain and discomfort began to accelerate from almost six years or practically no pain and just occasional discomfort, that my wife (at first) thought I was exaggerating my pain by occasionally dropping objects or showing visible signs of pain when I tried to hold something. Now she has a better understanding.
I hope that one day your mums will accept your situation. I think that the fact that you and your wife have fully resolved this potential issue is a positive first step toward the acceptance by your mums.
And that's why I am in the Breakup and Divorce group now!
Lynne
You are right AM, being at home is a blessing when you have kids. I have and am watching my son grow up and am grateful that I can. I always thought our mum's had a good understanding of our lives and living with RA, but I guess we'll have to educate them a bit more.
And I am happy to tell you guys we have booked a 2 week holiday for the end of April, which I'm now really looking forward to.
Thank you all for commenting on my discussion, it has blown me away..