Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
The other day in therapy I was talking about all of the things that shouldn't be, but are now, because I was raped...
It was towards the end of the appointment and B said that I should continue with it and not "lose that list".... she wants to hear the rest of it. What I said was something to the effect of, " I shouldn't be the one having to deal with this, I didn't do it! It wasn't my choice at all why the hell do I have to be the one dealing with the fallout?! I shouldn't have to have nightmares about this. I shouldn't have to climb five flights of stairs with a heavy book bag because I am too scared to be alone in the elevator with the guy that's standing there waiting on it, too. I shouldn't always have to be worried that I will run into the guy who did this to me when i am out somewhere. I shouldn't have to wonder why a man speaks to me, and wonder what they are "trying" to do. I shouldn't have to be afraid of men just because they are men." That was as far as I got but I have been thinking on it.
I shouldn't have to distrust others so much and feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have to think such pitiful things of myself. I shouldn't have to distrust MYSELF! I shouldn't have to worry that my kid is gonna ask me someday if this has ever happened to me, and I am gonna have to lie to her, or tell her the truth...I shouldn't have to make that decision about this. And I shouldn't have every single relationship in my life affected by it. This just should not have ever happened.
My friend says there is no such thing as the word "should" in her vocabulary and that I ought to quit using it so much on myself. (That was one night when All I kept saying was a bunch of shoulds... I should have fought harder, I should have been stronger. I shouldn't have gotten so scared. I shouldn't have froze. I shouldn't have gone all blurry feeling. I should have screamed, i should have pressed charges, I should have done something! I should have... I dunno what.)
I shouldn't have to STILL be thinking about this, and feeling it, and struggling over it. It's rather unfair.
It was towards the end of the appointment and B said that I should continue with it and not "lose that list".... she wants to hear the rest of it. What I said was something to the effect of, " I shouldn't be the one having to deal with this, I didn't do it! It wasn't my choice at all why the hell do I have to be the one dealing with the fallout?! I shouldn't have to have nightmares about this. I shouldn't have to climb five flights of stairs with a heavy book bag because I am too scared to be alone in the elevator with the guy that's standing there waiting on it, too. I shouldn't always have to be worried that I will run into the guy who did this to me when i am out somewhere. I shouldn't have to wonder why a man speaks to me, and wonder what they are "trying" to do. I shouldn't have to be afraid of men just because they are men." That was as far as I got but I have been thinking on it.
I shouldn't have to distrust others so much and feel so ashamed. I shouldn't have to think such pitiful things of myself. I shouldn't have to distrust MYSELF! I shouldn't have to worry that my kid is gonna ask me someday if this has ever happened to me, and I am gonna have to lie to her, or tell her the truth...I shouldn't have to make that decision about this. And I shouldn't have every single relationship in my life affected by it. This just should not have ever happened.
My friend says there is no such thing as the word "should" in her vocabulary and that I ought to quit using it so much on myself. (That was one night when All I kept saying was a bunch of shoulds... I should have fought harder, I should have been stronger. I shouldn't have gotten so scared. I shouldn't have froze. I shouldn't have gone all blurry feeling. I should have screamed, i should have pressed charges, I should have done something! I should have... I dunno what.)
I shouldn't have to STILL be thinking about this, and feeling it, and struggling over it. It's rather unfair.
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I gave my 2 week notice last Friday 13th. Now to join you fine people in a life of leisure and nothing else to do but to look out for myself....is it just me or does that sound pretty boring? My goal was to live to retire and I guess having to take early retirement because of health reasons wasn't exactly the way I had planned things. I just can't stay in that building that is reeking mildew...
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Don't the should's and shouldn'ts suck?! They make me feel terrible. They make me feel low and small and insignificant.
They still creep back up on me every now and then, but what I did was I would only let one should/shouldn't out at a time to the people I trusted (I'm a control freak like that). My mindset was "Well they didn't abandon me because of this should/shouldn't....but they will for this one." Each time the people that were healthy and supportive in my life surprised me by negating whatever should/shouldn't I had brought to the table. Each time knocking it down with brute force and replacing it with positivity, with strength, with love, with support.
And at some point it just changes. I don't see what you're doing as anything that you "HAVE" to do. It just IS. It's not something that YOU are doing. It's what HE created. Yes it is up to you to change it. But it is not your fault it's there, in my opinion.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you're putting all of this on your shoulders that you caused all of these feelings but I don't feel that you did. Yes it's up to us to recover from it. And it sucks and it's not fair. But it's not our fault we're here in the first place.