I just thought of something. The light was on. The light was on in the book room when I walked into it. And I think I laid on the couch with the light on.... But then the light was off. I can't remember how the light got turned off. There was light coming from somewhere. Maybe the foyer. I could just make out the books on the bookshelves. But the light in the room was definitely off when he started.... I don't know who turned it off. I know I was telling him to go away and leave me alone. If I turned the light off I had to get up... why wouldn't I have just walked out, found somewhere else to sleep? (long story as to why I was sleeping on the couch) And if he turned it off why didn't I get up while he was doing that and leave. God I was so tired you know? It was late and I was pretty well lit, myself. Who turned that effing light off? And why do I care so much, all of a sudden? It's not like it's gonna change anything. i have been doing that for years, examining every detail. Trying to find fault with my conduct. Trying to find him any excuse. Not for his sake, but for mine. "God let it not be rape. Just let it be anything other than that I don't want to be that girl... I don't want this to have happened to me" Time to stop making excuses, it's gotten me NOWHERE so far. I have this feeling that this is just the tip of the iceberg...
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