My husband has been sneaking around with other women for 10 years. From the very beginning of of our marriage. At first I was stupid enough to think we could just improve our realtionship and it would stop. He never had sex with any of the women. He planned on it, but I always caught the relationship before he got that far. We finally had a blow up last year, and we seperated. His entire family came down on me telling me that he was a good man and a good father. We started therapy and even gracuated from therapy and renewed our vows. During therapy I found out that he fantasized about other women. He "pleasured" himself to them daily. Real women that he planned on having sex with. Finally he admitted to me that he pretended I was them when we had sex. After confessing he went as far as to ask me to let him call me by their names. Things are better since therapy. Except for me. For someone reason, I cant stand me. I look in the mirror and I want to start hacking at my nasty body. I cant even climax anymore when we have sex. I can "by myself" but not with him. Why do I hate myself now? I never have before. I never let what he did affect myself image. I was butally raped by my father for half my life, was in foster care and adopted by parents who hit. I thought that if I survived that, nothing could touch me. I was normal. I love my children and they have a good life. Now...I lost all that strength. I dont know how to get past it. How not to worry about how I measure up in his eyes. In anyone's eyes. Im lost. Now...I am even considering sleeping with someone who understands. Hes a friend. I dont want to. I even refuse to see him because I am afraid of giving up. I just want to feel attractive, sexy again. Loved. Any suggestions?
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