Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
When is it time to stop asking questions? We are almost 9 months from D-day and yet I still have questions? We have talked about all of it repeatedly, some fights, some good. But still with every question answered, there are always more right around the corner. The major reason for this is that my h was extremely drunk during the two days he hung out with this tramp and can only remember bits and pieces. He is still trying to understand why he did such a thing and is equally frustrated. He says that he is telling me everything he knows and when it is finally clear to him, he will reveal it. For the meantime, things have been wonderful between us and I NOW have the best husband. When once he was a crazy violent drunk who cheated on me, now he is sober, loving, attentive, appreciative, thoughtful, clear, productive, and a wonderful father.
Everyday I am amazed at his transformation but still cannot let go of the pure and utter HELL I had to go through in order to get it. Even though he is all these wonderful things, he still gets defensive when I bring it up cuz he says that he still doesnt know, hates talking about it, feels like a shithead, wants me to focus on the future, and for all of us to be happy. But I am still obsessively trying to understand something that might not ever make sense. I am biting my tongue to the point of bleeding. I want to just bring it up but again do not want to disturb how good things are. I reason out talking with him about it right now in many ways. Almost trying to answer the questions for myself and telling myself that I need to just accept what little he remembers and let the natural flow of revealation occur. But its so hard when after 9 months, there still is no definitive answer. There are factors he said played a part in all of it-but still no one really knows. He is still trying to understand how he could do such a thing since he says he didnt know he was that kind of person.
so how do i find ways to just be content with what we've already discussed and enjoy all the good that has come from it? How do i accept that i might never know all of it or even why?
Everyday I am amazed at his transformation but still cannot let go of the pure and utter HELL I had to go through in order to get it. Even though he is all these wonderful things, he still gets defensive when I bring it up cuz he says that he still doesnt know, hates talking about it, feels like a shithead, wants me to focus on the future, and for all of us to be happy. But I am still obsessively trying to understand something that might not ever make sense. I am biting my tongue to the point of bleeding. I want to just bring it up but again do not want to disturb how good things are. I reason out talking with him about it right now in many ways. Almost trying to answer the questions for myself and telling myself that I need to just accept what little he remembers and let the natural flow of revealation occur. But its so hard when after 9 months, there still is no definitive answer. There are factors he said played a part in all of it-but still no one really knows. He is still trying to understand how he could do such a thing since he says he didnt know he was that kind of person.
so how do i find ways to just be content with what we've already discussed and enjoy all the good that has come from it? How do i accept that i might never know all of it or even why?
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When you have all of the answers your looking for and need.
Your H may never know - which means you may never know. This is the reality. He may be in denial of what the answer is. It's a difficult task taking inventory of one self, when one obviously has such character flaws. You may have to pick up the pieces and move forward without knowing the answers.
I'm praying for you!
Since DDay our relationship has changed a lot. I am the most important woman in my H life, I am the only woman in his life. It is a great feeling.
For the whole of our married life I have not been the only woman in my H life. There has been other women in one form or another. In the beginning it was his ex wife. He didn't have an affair with her but he wasn't over her. Then he had a crush on a family friend. No affair but she was still there. It went on like this for years until this affair and now its just me. Its about Time.
It takes time to stop asking questions. Only when you feel you are ready. Take your time, be patient, it will happen.
Good Luck.
I've asked a couple of more questions since then, just a few weeks ago. They were questions that I didn't think of during the first talk. I took a week to get ready for that one, wrote my questions down, it was all very civilized.
I think there is a point when the questions have to stop. If you both are serious about rebuilding, it doesn't do any good to keep dredging it up, month after month. BUT, if all of your questions haven't been answered, or you are thinking of new ones, then make sure and leave that option open.
I would like to think there will come a day for us when NOTHING will trigger a snarky remark or trigger that old hurt again. But I'm not there yet. This business has forever changed the landscape of our marriage. That's not to say it will be always be out there waiting to be discussed again, but I'm hoping and praying for the day when that pang of hurt is just a gnat and I can brush it away and let it go.
DawnL, I didn't ask many questions either. I think if you let a little time go by maybe your H can look at his actions more objectively with less emotion; out of the fog so to speak. To me those are the true answers, not the ones so close to the actual affair.
This whole ordeal, the A, has made me a very patient individual. I have learned to sit back and wait for the truth to reveal itself. My really good friend always says, "what happens in the dark, will come to the light." and I do believe that with all my heart.
Sometimes, I wish that I was different, stronger and more demanding. But I'm not. I can be, if I need to be, and I'm not going to let you walk all over me, but at the same time I don't want to harp, harp, harp.
And rel8, your H going back to her after 6 weeks DD knowing how hurt you were and what damage had been done already???
Daisy Lover, I actually believe the advice your husband was given is good. He has to confess to YOU, since you are the injured party. He won't be able to get past the guilt and accept forgiveness if he keeps part of the details to himself. Not grahic details, but who, when, where, how many others, that type of thing.