My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 5 1/2. Although we both knew we had bipolar for many years, we were both officially diagnosed in the past 2 years. Through the years, we have both cheated. He cheated with many women and I have cheated with 2 men, but the first lasted 6 years, and the second has lasted for 8 months. He knows about both. In Sept of 07, I kicked him out and moved in my boyfriend and his children. My husband came back 2 months later, but I still see my boyfriend. He doesn't know that. I feel very guilty... I know that this is apart of my bipolar, co-dependency, post traumatic stress disorder and my own foolish decisions. I am so confused and the guilt overwhelms me. Our bipolar cycles feed off each other and that makes it more difficult. We've tried marriage counseling but that didn't seem to work. When I went to counseling on my own the pain was overwhelming. I go back periodically to deal with my trauma from my childhood, but at times I have to take a break, or I feel like I will lose it. I know that I use cheating as a defense mechanism to push him away. I don't want anyone too close and when they get too close, I sabotage the relationship. This is not only romantic relationships but friendships and all family members as well. Now when we are intimate all I can think about is how bad of a wife and mother I am and I don't feel like I deserve love from him, or anyone else for that matter. When he cheated (it hasn't been that long ago) it didn't seem to affect me... I guess I am numb to it and feel like I deserve it. How sick is that. I always felt like I was a loyal person, but now that I am 31, I know myself and realize that I am very loyal until I find a reason not to be, and believe me that doesn't take much....
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