Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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So much Doubt

deleted_user
deleted_user
We hit rock bottom, I dont know what to do. He says he wants o work thinks out but he has so much doubt that we can do it cause we fight so much. So I gave him a deadline to make up his mind and he still says he wants us but he doesnt know what to do. So I said that I dont want to be wih someone that doesnt know if he wants to be with me. I told him that I am taking the kids and leaving. But I really dont want to go, I want to make this work but we are both so afraid of it not working out this time we have tired so many things but we just argue. Is it ok to try to work things out with someone that has so much doubt. I'm just so afraid of getting hurt again. I just want to get passed this. I dont know if I should stay, Can you still work things through if u both have doubts and fear.I ask him what is he afriad of and he says of losing me and of this not working but I dont ge that why would u have so much doubt about it not working that it stops you from trying to work things out. Dont you lose both ways. I dont know if you understand, I just need some advice.
reil64
reil64
You definitely need to see a counselor. If he won't go, you still need to go yourself. I don't think I would have made any progress without one.

If he won't do anything to help, you have your answer.

I know it's not easy, but you have to do it for your children.

Good luck,
Reil
lovingagain
lovingagain
I think the cheater can get "stuck", especially during those first months after the affair comes out. I didn't give my husband an "ultimatum", but I did tell him I expected him to do whatever was necessary to regain my trust and to rebuild. To not do so would show me he wasn't serious.

I refused to be an option. When he asked for "time", I gave him a week. No way was I going to be in a taste test with the OW, or be part of a pro-con list. He knew I was willing to forgive him, I made that very clear. I think once he knew I was brave enough to stick it out, that helped him as well.

My H became unstuck when I went to talk to my attorney. Once he knew I was serious about having him move out, he pulled his head out of his a$$ and called a counslor. She was a Godsend.

That said, the doubt still remained for a time. If you don't feel doubt and fear, you wouldn't be normal. Would we be able to get past this? Could we really move forward? It takes both spouses working 100% to get through this nightmare. One cannot do it alone, and the betrayed cannot put all the work on the cheater. A marriage is 2 people, and both have to work to fix it.
lovingagain
lovingagain
I think the cheater can get "stuck", especially during those first months after the affair comes out. I didn't give my husband an "ultimatum", but I did tell him I expected him to do whatever was necessary to regain my trust and to rebuild. To not do so would show me he wasn't serious.

I refused to be an option. When he asked for "time", I gave him a week. No way was I going to be in a taste test with the OW, or be part of a pro-con list. He knew I was willing to forgive him, I made that very clear. I think once he knew I was brave enough to stick it out, that helped him as well.

My H became unstuck when I went to talk to my attorney. Once he knew I was serious about having him move out, he pulled his head out of his a$$ and called a counslor. She was a Godsend.

That said, the doubt still remained for a time. If you don't feel doubt and fear, you wouldn't be normal. Would we be able to get past this? Could we really move forward? It takes both spouses working 100% to get through this nightmare. One cannot do it alone, and the betrayed cannot put all the work on the cheater. A marriage is 2 people, and both have to work to fix it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I decided I would not leave until I felt like I wanted to...or at least..it felt right! The anger and confusion...I think are normal...the fear of losing each other is what you hold onto.

Maybe you just need to allow the anger phase to pass
Maybe you need to look under the anger...for the love sometimes and cry together
Maybe you are both greiving the things you have lost
Maybe you both still want what is still there

Seek counseling
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