Its one of the hardest things I've ever done. I try really hard not to think about it.
He made me look like a idiot. Yet I am still here. I know exactly how you are feeling.
But isn't it more our pride stinging? Now I am not in the same situation as you are.
But I got a good heathly dose of "in your face" 3 times.
Its took all my strength to stay and work on this.
Thats what you have to remember. How much stronger we are.

it helped that i only told two guy friends and my shrink and no one else, no family. it never came up with my guy friends again. one i work with the other i have now not talked to in 8 months (dday) because like you said, it is not only uncomfortable but i am different now, and i don't want to have to explain the past, the present, or why i gave her a second chance. believe me the easiest thing would have been to kick her out or me move out, i had the green light. the strong and hard thing to do was to suck it up and get to work on why things went stale in our marriage, it was a wake up call. and it is still tough. i woke up at 4:00am because she is at the innaugeration and the OM lives there, so i wake up and my mind starts wondering. those turn into bad dreams, so why try to sleep. i trust her but this is the price i pay for her error.

don't worry about being judged. those who judge without knowing the whole story do so unfairly. i think that is why so many of us end up by default pushing people away, this i have read and i know it is true of me. i am too tired to invest in other friendships when my marriage and life with two kids and now the added work of getting past what happened is so exhausting. good luck. was it a one time fling or has he had multiples that you found out about? my wife knows that she got one mulligan and if it happens again there will be no second thoughts. we would be done.

Don't care what other people think...

if someone is thinking negatively of you...then guess what? they are not really your friend!

Unlike others...I told everyone...and...I mean everyone...

I was in a complete state of shock... I walked around like a zombie for weeks... I had kicked him out of the house and I was convinced that we were divorcing....

I told my kids, neighbors, a number of close friends, my mother, my sisters, my co-workers...(they had to know because of my zombie like condition at work),...my hairdresser....my manicure girl.....my doctor.....

I was a mess.....

and at times I have been sorry that I did tell everyone...but you would be amazed the stories I have heard from people because of this... when you open up to someone it often encourages them to open up as well....


and I have found out that everyone ..every single person on this planet is dealing with some kind of tragedy....

many things that are much worse than infidelity.....

and ...I also heard so many stories about infidelity.... with people I saw every day and had not imagined their struggle....

and the vast majority of my friends and family and even acquaintances are genuinely rooting for my marriage...

oh... I forgot... I also told the office manager in my psychiatrist's office...
I had to...
I ended up there waiting for an emergency appt. when I first found out...I desperately needed meds...for my anxiety and to sleep....

turns out ..I showed up at the wrong time... the doctor wasn't wasn't in yet! and I was a shaking quivering mess...so..obviously she needed to talk to me...

do you know...that later... after our 6 month separation ended and I took my husband back...when I would go to this doctor... I would feel embarassed to say anything to the secretary..she would ask how I was doing.. and I would say fine... but.. I didn't want to admit to her ( a total stranger) that I was so weak as to have reconciled with my husband....

finally after a year or so... I again ended sitting in her cubicle face to face and I decided to be honest...what the heck..the truth will set you free....and

I told her...we had reconciled... I also told her about my fear of being judged as weak...and my fear that I was sending my 20 something children the wrong message....

and this woman leaned over and said..."oh no... you are showing them what unconditional love is all about."

she also shared with me..how she had divorced over an affair...and looking back wishes that she had taken him back... instead of digging in her heels over pride......

jsrygrl - what an amazing story. Thanks for sharing. I totally relate to struggling not to let me pride make such a big decision for me.

I am trying -- every day trying -- to see my choice to try and rebuild as a brave choice.

My biggest problem is just that I love him, I never stopped loving him, and sometimes I just hate myself for loving him. Behind us we have 11 happy years together, then 8 bad months during the affair, then 12 nightmare months since Dday, and we can only hope for happy years to come in the future. I'm not ready to throw away what we built in the good years before the bad months.

Thank you for sharing,

Morgan

I too understand fully what you are talking about. I just had this conversation with my H a couple of nights ago.

I feel like a fool for having thr wool pulled over my eyes! I feel like a fool for giving my H a second chance when I always told myself that I would be out the door. I feel like a fool for allowing my H to have a laptop that I couldn't access because he was never willing to give me the password. I feel like a fool because the OW doesn't know that my H has confessed and she thinks that she got away with something.

Right now, the only way I am dealing with things is to tell myself that the only real fool in this situation his my H and he knows this. I also try to tell my self that if I were in my H position (which I never would be, but I try to imagine), that he would she me the same compassion by staying and trying to work on things. I have also decided that I am going to write a letter the the OW so she can start feeling like the fool.

It is so hard thinking that I was such an idiot for so long and that there were some signs there. Sometimes, I just want to wack myself in the forehead and tell myself, DUH!!!!

We are all guilty of one thing, and that is we all had faith in our spouses. We had faith that they would never betray us. That's not foolish on our part, that's what committed spouse's do for and in each other. They have faith. It's our spouse who are the foolish ones.

I agree with with the office manager jrsy girl told, those of us who have stayed with our spouse's have given the gift of unconditional love to our spouse's. It's like a Christ like love for our spouses.

That is what I tell my H, too. He feels like he should have known and should have done some something more to stop what happened, he feels like a fool sometimes. I have told him over and over that this is not true. He should have trusted me because that is what you do to those you love and that is not foolish. I was the fool, I was not worthy of the trust, I broke the rules. I see him as being so much stronger than I thought possible with the way he has stood by my side and fought for our marriage; this is strength, not weakness.

I AM trying to rebuild, but going through a really hard time for the past week or so. Not sure if it is completely A related or hormonal (just had a baby 12 weeks ago... postpartum?)
I have been trying to tell myself that I am doing the brave thing by staying with my H. Trying to save my marriage is harder than leaving, etc. Part of me truly believes that, but there is this nagging doubt. I question if I am not taking the easy road by staying. I mean, let's face it, I have 3 kids, one of them a newborn. I still love my H very much (Morgan, I too, hate myself for loving him), I am currently not working and thus financially dependent upon him. And I really, really, really never, never, never, ever thought I would be facing the prospect of divorce. It is not something I ever even thought about. All I ever wanted was what I thought I had. A loving husband, healthy kids, a roof over my head. I was happy and content. I cannot imagine starting over with someone else. I cannot imagine my life as a divorced mother of 3.
When i found out about the A's, I told many people. Possibly too many. They are not the problem, however. I don't care what others think about me. If I stay or go has nothing to do with them. What bothers me is what I've begun to think about myself and how I've begun to feel about myself. I feel weak, stupid, and pathetic for staying. Like if I had any self respect, I would leave. I don't really want to leave. I guess I feel like I SHOULD want to leave. I feel so stupid for not recognizing what was going on right under my nose for so long. I feel worthless because of what he did and I hate myself for wanting to work this out. I guess I don't care if others see me as sad and weak, because that is how I have begun to see myself. As I am typing this i am debating even submitting it because I know I even SOUND pathetic, but I related to this topic when I read it and I think this is the best place to see if others can understand. I am so tired. I try reaching out to my H about this but he just doesn't understand. His lack of understanding only adds to my self-loathing and misery.

2naive you do not sound pathetic, you sound hurt. I understand what you mean because it is what I am thinking about myself too. It isn't that I care what others think of me, but the way I am treated by them does affect how I feel about myself. That is a hard thing to get past.

I think that if they love you, they will want what is best for you. Unfortunately, sometimes they just don't want to see you hurt again and it comes out seeming harsh or judgmental. Simply put, they just don't understand what you are going through. I remember thinking when one of my best friends was going through something similar to this about 5 years ago, "Why is she still with him. If I was her, I would kick his ass out." I didn't understand what she was going through. I had never been there. I have since apologized to her for my insensitivity and do you know what she said? She said, "I'm not angry. You didn't understand. How could you? You had never been through it. Until you experience it yourself, you never know how you will react. It's easy to imagine what you will do in a situation if you are never faced with it." She's right. I think the struggle ultimately comes from what we think about ourselves. Do you agree?
I am also very fortunate in that all of the people that I have told have been very supportive of me and at the same time, they do not bad mouth my H, or me for staying and trying to work things out with him. If there are people who are giving you their opinions about your decision and making you feel bad about yourself, maybe you need to separate yourself from them?

It doesn't matter what other people think. Your the only one walking in your shoes. You do what you need and want to do.

If you're a fool, you are a very brave one. And you're not, in any case -- you know the risks, you accept the additional pain, and you've calculated the odds, and you'll know when and if to give up. That's the definition of a hero, not a fool.

PS -- I still go on the INF site because that's the entry door, and I can understand pain better if I see it raw, and sometimes I need a reminder (also I'm made a few friends there). You just have to put the Flamers and the attention seekers (IE -- the one's that seem to stabilize their identity by being destructive and encouraging destructiveness in others) out of your mind. Well, anyway, this is a perfectly acceptable forum for you, as well as Cheaters Anonymous, and Out Of The Fog (IMO)-- you bring understanding, and a desire to help and be helped to all the sites. And, for one, appreciate it -- and I know a lot of others do too!

Anyone who don't can go butter their toast on the INF site! Ha! Bum-hug! I mean ... er ... hum-bug ... on 'em.

I told anyone and everyone this time. I tried to protect his good standing before. This time I really didn't care.
I don't care who thinks what.
But sometimes I FEEL Stupid.
I've always said "you have to walk in someones shoes"
It still stings. But I will say before I thought it was a "Black and white" issue period. Now I realize how much gray area there is in between.

The only one I don't like looking a fool to is the OW. To this day I am sure that she thinks that my H loved her more than me and only stayed with me because I made it hard for him to leave. She probably thinks that I threatened him financially or otherwise and if I had not he would be with her. She thinks she is smarter, more successful and more beautiful than I am because that is what my H lead her to believe.

I would love to tell her that while my H was telling her things to make her feel that way, he was also telling me things to make me feel a certain way. He was telling me bad things about her while he was telling her bad things about me. He was telling her good things while he was also telling me good things. He was playing both of us. He has actually offered to come clean with her, but I don't think it will do any good. She lives in her own world and has her own version of reality. She will just tell herself that I forced him to say those things to her. Its a no win situation. So I just make sure she sees how happy we are together when she sees us. I think deep inside she knows the truth. While he was seeing her she saw us together at a club dancing one night. She subsequently wrote him an email which I saw later. It said "I saw you dancing with her - you never dance that way with me :sob:". In her small, dark little heart I think she knows the truth.