
Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

deleted_user
Ok so I really don't know where to post this one either. Sometimes I think that the only place I really belong is in the INF site, but they are so nasty and negative there all the time. I don't want to be them!
But I am not really rebuilding (thought we were on the road to that until about 3 weeks ago), I am not the cheater, and my H is not out of the fog yet. So I am little parts of all of these sites, but none of them fully. I am going to post this here because it makes more sense to be here than anywhere else.
I read in another post that kind of touched on this and I wanted to expand.
I have mentioned before that I hate that my H is "one of them"; one who could cheat.
But I think I hate it more that I am also "one of them" too. I am one of those wives who knows their H cheated on them and didn't kick him out. I feel like people who know about it look at me differently. They look at me as a weak person and someone who can't make it on my own and that is why I am still here. I hate that pity look they give and how they don't really know how to talk to you anymore. So afraid they will say something wrong.
I hate being thought of as sad and weak. I am not here because I am sad and weak. I am here because I am stronger than he is right now and I am fighting for my family because he isn't able to or willing to (not sure which).
I hate being a fool and I hate knowing that so many people think I am one. I really wish he never put me in the position to be "one of them".
I am sure others have felt this way too, but how do you deal with it?
But I am not really rebuilding (thought we were on the road to that until about 3 weeks ago), I am not the cheater, and my H is not out of the fog yet. So I am little parts of all of these sites, but none of them fully. I am going to post this here because it makes more sense to be here than anywhere else.
I read in another post that kind of touched on this and I wanted to expand.
I have mentioned before that I hate that my H is "one of them"; one who could cheat.
But I think I hate it more that I am also "one of them" too. I am one of those wives who knows their H cheated on them and didn't kick him out. I feel like people who know about it look at me differently. They look at me as a weak person and someone who can't make it on my own and that is why I am still here. I hate that pity look they give and how they don't really know how to talk to you anymore. So afraid they will say something wrong.
I hate being thought of as sad and weak. I am not here because I am sad and weak. I am here because I am stronger than he is right now and I am fighting for my family because he isn't able to or willing to (not sure which).
I hate being a fool and I hate knowing that so many people think I am one. I really wish he never put me in the position to be "one of them".
I am sure others have felt this way too, but how do you deal with it?
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He made me look like a idiot. Yet I am still here. I know exactly how you are feeling.
But isn't it more our pride stinging? Now I am not in the same situation as you are.
But I got a good heathly dose of "in your face" 3 times.
Its took all my strength to stay and work on this.
Thats what you have to remember. How much stronger we are.
don't worry about being judged. those who judge without knowing the whole story do so unfairly. i think that is why so many of us end up by default pushing people away, this i have read and i know it is true of me. i am too tired to invest in other friendships when my marriage and life with two kids and now the added work of getting past what happened is so exhausting. good luck. was it a one time fling or has he had multiples that you found out about? my wife knows that she got one mulligan and if it happens again there will be no second thoughts. we would be done.
if someone is thinking negatively of you...then guess what? they are not really your friend!
Unlike others...I told everyone...and...I mean everyone...
I was in a complete state of shock... I walked around like a zombie for weeks... I had kicked him out of the house and I was convinced that we were divorcing....
I told my kids, neighbors, a number of close friends, my mother, my sisters, my co-workers...(they had to know because of my zombie like condition at work),...my hairdresser....my manicure girl.....my doctor.....
I was a mess.....
and at times I have been sorry that I did tell everyone...but you would be amazed the stories I have heard from people because of this... when you open up to someone it often encourages them to open up as well....
and I have found out that everyone ..every single person on this planet is dealing with some kind of tragedy....
many things that are much worse than infidelity.....
and ...I also heard so many stories about infidelity.... with people I saw every day and had not imagined their struggle....
and the vast majority of my friends and family and even acquaintances are genuinely rooting for my marriage...
oh... I forgot... I also told the office manager in my psychiatrist's office...
I had to...
I ended up there waiting for an emergency appt. when I first found out...I desperately needed meds...for my anxiety and to sleep....
turns out ..I showed up at the wrong time... the doctor wasn't wasn't in yet! and I was a shaking quivering mess...so..obviously she needed to talk to me...
do you know...that later... after our 6 month separation ended and I took my husband back...when I would go to this doctor... I would feel embarassed to say anything to the secretary..she would ask how I was doing.. and I would say fine... but.. I didn't want to admit to her ( a total stranger) that I was so weak as to have reconciled with my husband....
finally after a year or so... I again ended sitting in her cubicle face to face and I decided to be honest...what the heck..the truth will set you free....and
I told her...we had reconciled... I also told her about my fear of being judged as weak...and my fear that I was sending my 20 something children the wrong message....
and this woman leaned over and said..."oh no... you are showing them what unconditional love is all about."
she also shared with me..how she had divorced over an affair...and looking back wishes that she had taken him back... instead of digging in her heels over pride......
I am trying -- every day trying -- to see my choice to try and rebuild as a brave choice.
My biggest problem is just that I love him, I never stopped loving him, and sometimes I just hate myself for loving him. Behind us we have 11 happy years together, then 8 bad months during the affair, then 12 nightmare months since Dday, and we can only hope for happy years to come in the future. I'm not ready to throw away what we built in the good years before the bad months.
Thank you for sharing,
Morgan
I feel like a fool for having thr wool pulled over my eyes! I feel like a fool for giving my H a second chance when I always told myself that I would be out the door. I feel like a fool for allowing my H to have a laptop that I couldn't access because he was never willing to give me the password. I feel like a fool because the OW doesn't know that my H has confessed and she thinks that she got away with something.
Right now, the only way I am dealing with things is to tell myself that the only real fool in this situation his my H and he knows this. I also try to tell my self that if I were in my H position (which I never would be, but I try to imagine), that he would she me the same compassion by staying and trying to work on things. I have also decided that I am going to write a letter the the OW so she can start feeling like the fool.
It is so hard thinking that I was such an idiot for so long and that there were some signs there. Sometimes, I just want to wack myself in the forehead and tell myself, DUH!!!!
I agree with with the office manager jrsy girl told, those of us who have stayed with our spouse's have given the gift of unconditional love to our spouse's. It's like a Christ like love for our spouses.
I have been trying to tell myself that I am doing the brave thing by staying with my H. Trying to save my marriage is harder than leaving, etc. Part of me truly believes that, but there is this nagging doubt. I question if I am not taking the easy road by staying. I mean, let's face it, I have 3 kids, one of them a newborn. I still love my H very much (Morgan, I too, hate myself for loving him), I am currently not working and thus financially dependent upon him. And I really, really, really never, never, never, ever thought I would be facing the prospect of divorce. It is not something I ever even thought about. All I ever wanted was what I thought I had. A loving husband, healthy kids, a roof over my head. I was happy and content. I cannot imagine starting over with someone else. I cannot imagine my life as a divorced mother of 3.
When i found out about the A's, I told many people. Possibly too many. They are not the problem, however. I don't care what others think about me. If I stay or go has nothing to do with them. What bothers me is what I've begun to think about myself and how I've begun to feel about myself. I feel weak, stupid, and pathetic for staying. Like if I had any self respect, I would leave. I don't really want to leave. I guess I feel like I SHOULD want to leave. I feel so stupid for not recognizing what was going on right under my nose for so long. I feel worthless because of what he did and I hate myself for wanting to work this out. I guess I don't care if others see me as sad and weak, because that is how I have begun to see myself. As I am typing this i am debating even submitting it because I know I even SOUND pathetic, but I related to this topic when I read it and I think this is the best place to see if others can understand. I am so tired. I try reaching out to my H about this but he just doesn't understand. His lack of understanding only adds to my self-loathing and misery.
I am also very fortunate in that all of the people that I have told have been very supportive of me and at the same time, they do not bad mouth my H, or me for staying and trying to work things out with him. If there are people who are giving you their opinions about your decision and making you feel bad about yourself, maybe you need to separate yourself from them?
Anyone who don't can go butter their toast on the INF site! Ha! Bum-hug! I mean ... er ... hum-bug ... on 'em.
I don't care who thinks what.
But sometimes I FEEL Stupid.
I've always said "you have to walk in someones shoes"
It still stings. But I will say before I thought it was a "Black and white" issue period. Now I realize how much gray area there is in between.
I would love to tell her that while my H was telling her things to make her feel that way, he was also telling me things to make me feel a certain way. He was telling me bad things about her while he was telling her bad things about me. He was telling her good things while he was also telling me good things. He was playing both of us. He has actually offered to come clean with her, but I don't think it will do any good. She lives in her own world and has her own version of reality. She will just tell herself that I forced him to say those things to her. Its a no win situation. So I just make sure she sees how happy we are together when she sees us. I think deep inside she knows the truth. While he was seeing her she saw us together at a club dancing one night. She subsequently wrote him an email which I saw later. It said "I saw you dancing with her - you never dance that way with me :sob:". In her small, dark little heart I think she knows the truth.