Have you told him that you are feeling this way - it sounds like you are ready to tell him to hit the road. Maybe he needs to hear this to jump start working on your relationship again. Do you have the stages of grief that Nana posted a while back (maybe they were called the stages of healing from an affair - I don't remember). It might help to read those.

And also remember that affairs are like deaths of loved ones - you don't forget your loved one after they are gone, so why would you forget your marriage before you found out about the affair and miss it? I do. So what if I knew there were problems? At least I thought my husband was faithful to me. That is a loss I will never forget and I doubt you ever will, either. It takes as much time as it takes. Forgiveness will come when our husbands really do what they need to do to redeem themselves completely. Don't beat yourself up if you are not where others are who are on the same d-day chrono clock as you.

I am sending you support and love and encouragement and strength. Breathe. Try to focus on the good things in you and the good things in each day. Talk to your husband about what you are feeling and what you want and what you need. Maybe revisiting your therapist is a good idea. You sound like you are at a crossroads and might need some expert guidance right now. Peace, sister.

Would a daily update of his interactions with her help you? I guess I would get nervous if he stopped talking about her. That is based solely on personal experience though. I heard about the OW everyday the first time they worked together. He actually griped about her a lot. I heard her mentioned in passing a couple times when she first started coming to purchase product from him almost a year later. Then suddenly nothing. Then she randomly shows up to see our new baby. Well, that is because it wasn't random. He had stopped talking about her because the relationship had become flirtatious, not quite to the affair level yet but getting there.

If you feel like his silence is leaving you with too many questions then you should request he update you every night. I don't think this is unreasonable.

I think that all of us here are dealing with a CS that is not as committed to the marriage as we are, so in that sense I can relate and feel your need to feel/see a change in them. I don't know if this will help or not, but I'm going to offer a guys perspective on this if you will allow me.

"My H concedes that he has a lot of work to do on his part, but he still hasn’t done anything."

I think that most women have this idea that if their husbands cared enough about them that they should know what they want. However, I rarely seem to know what my wife truly wants; we don't read between the lines very well. I don't know what is on your husbands mind or heart, but if you believe that he wants to stay in the marriage and is willing to work on it then you should be very specific about the kinds of things you want to see him doing and the way you want him to act. When you say he hasn't done anything, my guess is that he feels like he is trying and can't understand why you can't see it. The truth is that he may just not be trying the same way that you want him to. I don't know if any of this makes any sense or not, but it is possible for a man to be sincere about doing something even when you can't understand why he is doing it that way. He may just not know how to show you he is serious in a way you can understand.

Thanks all for your replies. It's given me reason to pause & think about what each of you has said, in addition to some valid points that I need to look deeper into myself. I guess my real cross roads is this: I have told him that working with the OW still makes me uncomfortable. I DO NOT want to be the one that forces him to transfer to another location. It’s got to be HIS choice, just like the A was HIS choice. He has yet to request to be put on a transfer list, which is the first step in order to get transferred. I vacillate back & forth. I know that he has worked at the same company, same location for over 33 years now. He's got clout. He's got respect. He's climbed the corporate ladder to get where he is. That's one of my struggles. BUT.....

He won't lose his title or reduce his wages by making a transfer. I know what it's like to have to be the new person coming into a job. I've done at least 1-2 dozen times myself. There's a part of me that says "Get over it" as well as "you made your choices with regard to me, now make one that you know will strengthen our marriage. Let go of that last obstacle that comes between us on occasion forever".

It would take a lot of pressure off me if he made a decision that he felt was for the good of us. But I feel like he's forcing me to corner him and demand it from him.

"But I feel like he's forcing me to corner him and demand it from him."

In his mind, it isn't necessary because he's over the OW and it's not an issue for him anymore - I guess it's hard for him to see why it is still an issue for you.

After D-day, i waited for H to stop looking at porn on his own, get off the dating sites, and remove ex-girlfriends from his Facebook. I was using it as a measure of how much progress he was making. Needless to say, I finally blew up at him 5 months later because he hadn't done ANY of it on his own.
As soon as we had that discussion, he deleted his accounts on the dating sites, stopped looking at porn (I checked the security software) and anyone he had physical contact with during his adult life was removed from his Facebook account. I guess I should have said all that upfront, but everything seemed so fragile and volatile in the beginning, and i thought he would figure out on his own that it was all inappropriate.

Several weeks after that blow-up, he told me that he felt a whole lot better once he stopped doing all that, and thanked me for leading him in the right direction.

I guess your H is probably the same -- he needs you to point him in the right direction.

I have a similar experience as lisa but with a computer game. My H and I both played World of Warcraft. He started playing and asked me to play with him about a month later. At the time I had already noticed that things weren't right between us( He had already been having his A for about a year) so I I started playing with him. We enjoyed playing together but a lot of times we would both be playing but he would group with other people and ignore me ( both online and off). After he told me about the A we still played and he got better about not completely ignoring me. After one of our fights he told me that he stared playing to escape me and what he was doing. I had already kind of figured that out but it didn't make sense that he asked me to play. Anyway I told him that I enjoyed playing the game with him but at times it annoyed me that that was all he wanted to do. He offered to stop playing but I told him no we both liked it. We just both needed to find a good balance. To make a long story a little shorter he never found a good balance and I still felt like he was playing to escape, not to mention he was not pulling his share of household responsibilities. We ended up having another fight after I had talked to the OW and he was playing the game instead of talking with me about it. That is what caused it to be a fight. I ended up telling him that yeah the game was pissing me off because that was all he cared about. At this time I went to the bathroom to cry and he installed the game and canceled both our subscriptions. I'm leaving a lot out and I realize that this is making me sound kind of bitchy but it did mean a lot to me him doing that. I never would have told him to do it because I did truly enjoy playing with him, when we were both present. I didn't enjoy it though when he got consumed with it. Prior to all this happening we had discussed it several times and I would say I would be ok with stopping playing if that is what he wanted to do but I never actually told him that he was upsetting me.

Anyway I guess a long way of saying I agree with Lisa and maybe your H just really needs to hear you say for him to transfer and not leave it up to him.

The subject has come up at least dozen times when H says he sees how this is still upsetting me and it's up to him to change it. I have told him that the transfer would take a huge amount of relief off me. I guess what I haven't done is to say directly "I want you to transfer". Going to IC this morning to talk about it - I know what I need to do - I just hate being the one that demands he do this. Sigh.