
Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Its not special anymore and neither are you!

deleted_user
I am having a really hard time lately. I thought we were making progress, but this is the time of year when everything really came to light two years ago. All the deception and betrayal really started on Feb. 2, 2007.
So I have been reflecting on things and spending time alone. I am looking past the affair and trying to see who my H really is. I thought I knew him until the affair. Then I realized I really don't know him at all. I realized he has some serious character flaws that caused him to behave in unimaginable ways. Then I realized he has always had these flaws, but they were acceptable to me until the affair. So now I am at a place where I am trying to decide where we go from here. Can I really feel safe opening my heart completely to this man or any man after this?. Where does that leave us and me? I read the following excerpt from an interview with Shirley Glass. She said:
"The infidelity is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which is sexual or emotional intimacy, and you gave it to somebody else. I thought that we had a special relationship, and now you have contaminated it; it doesnâ??t feel special any more, because you shared something that was very precious to us with someone else."
That sums much of it up for me. I am also very disturbed by the way that my H denied the affair but hinted that the OW wanted more than a friendship and then acted as if he was enlisting my help to rid himself of the OW. Hours later he would be with her and would act as if he was enlisting her help to get rid of me. He played a very destructive game and I am having a great deal of difficulty accepting that I want to go on with someone who could behave that way.
What do you do? Turn a blind eye? Trust that they have changed? I truly feel torn after feeling so good for a while.
So I have been reflecting on things and spending time alone. I am looking past the affair and trying to see who my H really is. I thought I knew him until the affair. Then I realized I really don't know him at all. I realized he has some serious character flaws that caused him to behave in unimaginable ways. Then I realized he has always had these flaws, but they were acceptable to me until the affair. So now I am at a place where I am trying to decide where we go from here. Can I really feel safe opening my heart completely to this man or any man after this?. Where does that leave us and me? I read the following excerpt from an interview with Shirley Glass. She said:
"The infidelity is that you took something that was supposed to be mine, which is sexual or emotional intimacy, and you gave it to somebody else. I thought that we had a special relationship, and now you have contaminated it; it doesnâ??t feel special any more, because you shared something that was very precious to us with someone else."
That sums much of it up for me. I am also very disturbed by the way that my H denied the affair but hinted that the OW wanted more than a friendship and then acted as if he was enlisting my help to rid himself of the OW. Hours later he would be with her and would act as if he was enlisting her help to get rid of me. He played a very destructive game and I am having a great deal of difficulty accepting that I want to go on with someone who could behave that way.
What do you do? Turn a blind eye? Trust that they have changed? I truly feel torn after feeling so good for a while.
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I know what you are going through, because I still get the overwhelming feeling when those memories pop into my head. The difference is, now I can see the things my wife is doing to try to repair our marriage.
I hope things workout the way you want.
Reil
He has always been a bit of a malcontent, but lately he wants to change everything about our house. He did this during the affair too. He has no decorating sense and I do, but when I try to discuss his ideas for making changes, he accuses me of arguing and gets upset. I feel like my job is to just be there, contribute financially and agree with everything he says. I'm really wanting more.
I'm sorry, it makes me angry, I hate to see people being treated that way, you deserve way better. That's the attitude my wife started to get and I told her, if she is not willing to do her part, we're done. Life is too short not to be given the respect we deserve. I was brought back from death serving my country and I'm not going to let someone walk all over me!
God, I'm rambling now.
It is such a difficult road and as I started to say, such a struggle. i wanted to say, my husband has two sides to him too. I feel he has struggled and he has shown me more of his dark side since the affair than I ever saw before the affair either!
I think, in my husband's case, because he quit drinking, he really went thru a personality change. I think it could happen even without alcohol, just from a crisis. They too are spinning and I agree you must confront again and again. Just because time has passed doesn't mean your needs have been met.
Tell him you just do not feel as if you know him anymore and you need to know the "why's" and how he feels having done these manipulative things. My husband has answered many questions over many years. At times he just could not . He either could not face the answer yet or really could not even "get it" yet. Even now, some he just does not know! If they are important to me, I calmly bring them up a month or so later. Strangly, he often hasn''t given them any thought! So, I calmly say, "You said you would think about that a month ago", as if I actually thought he would. At that point he will usually give it some thought and sometimes discuss it. Some things will never have an answer and that has is ok because it starts to make sense and you get the big picture after a short while.
The most important thing for me is not to lie to myself. I did not marry the man I thought I married. I need to not allow myself to slip back into denial and forget what he is capable of doing. He may never betray me again but he is capable of doing so. I also did not marry Attilla The Hun. I love him still and find many things about him that are admirable and lovable. If I did not, I could not stay.
Good luck to you. Sorting this part out honestly is difficult and takes time.
I still haven't figured out all that may have triggered my deep downward spiral at this point...
maybe for me ... it's the worry that ..if I'm still not 'over it' after 2 yrs.....maybe I never will be....
and.... my husband's refusal to discuss any of the issues again..because he feels that we both should be 'over it' by now...and there should no longer be any questions or concerns left for me....
again...for those that may not be familiar with my story.... I found out after 30 years of marriage... 34 years together...that my husband was having a 5 year long affair with a married co-worker....
he has done a lot of hard work... he has changed himself in many ways...
maybe he's right... I should be 'over it' by now....
Ami, Reil makes some very good points and writing it down can make things more real.
This is the most difficult and painful thing I have ever experienced. The thing is, when we would go through difficult periods before, I always thought we were in this together. Now I see it as all lies and manipulations.
Wonder if I want my old life back or the life I thought I had.
Ouch! In a survey, it was reported that 42% have some kind of an affair w/ their boss. Bingo. My H was sitting nearby and said, it's a good thing you never had a boss!! I replied,maybe I would have been like the 48% the didn't. I would have had morals and values and remembered my vows. I started to cry. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, now it's been over 2 years that you've known, let it go. I felt like I was going to throw up and I just can't take this anymore!!
As for him going back to his old ways, he will never be a different person. People can work hard at doing things that they know they are supposed to do, but inside they are still the same person with the same annoying habits that will come out from time to time. If you were happy before the affair, you can be happy again.
Daisy, I just feel so badly for you because it sounds like you really have a good husband and a good marriage. Don't let your resentment of what he did in the past ruin the rest of you life. This is your choice now.