Has he changed?

My question would be, has he done enough for you since you uncovered the affair that you think you will be able to forgive him and move on?

I know what you are going through, because I still get the overwhelming feeling when those memories pop into my head. The difference is, now I can see the things my wife is doing to try to repair our marriage.

I hope things workout the way you want.

Reil

I struggled with these issues two years plus. In fact there is nothing I struggled with more, I do not think. "Who is he? How could he be so manipulative, sadistic?, deceitful?

More later got to go.

Texy and Reil - In some ways he has changed, but in others he hasn't and I see him backsliding as time goes on. He has done a lot to help me, but he has also done a lot to hurt me. When it is on his mind he is very sweet and attentive, but he can change on a dime. He can revert back to the way he used to be and be sarcastic, condescending, controlling and intolerant. We have had some disagreements lately and he wants to be apart from me. This brings up feelings of abandonment and rejection that I never had until the affair. It sends me into a tailspin and I am feeling like I can't keep living this way. He is jerking me around when he should be making me feel loved and secure. He did some of the work, but not the hard work. He thinks that being nice to me sometimes, buying me things sometimes and talking about the way he wants it to be is enough. He hasn't done any reading about what a cheating spouse should do to repair the relationship and he stopped marriage counseling. He sees the psychiatrist he has seen for years, but most of what they talk about has nothing to do with the affair. He thinks that if he wants our marriage to be good, and wants me to get over the pain, it will happen. He is lazy when it comes to doing the work. He just wants to wish it and talk it into happening.

He has always been a bit of a malcontent, but lately he wants to change everything about our house. He did this during the affair too. He has no decorating sense and I do, but when I try to discuss his ideas for making changes, he accuses me of arguing and gets upset. I feel like my job is to just be there, contribute financially and agree with everything he says. I'm really wanting more.

No! It's time for a heart to heart. Spell it out for him if you have to, I mean actually write down with pen and paper(or keyboard and printer), But make absolutely clear what you want and what you need and if he is not willing to do it, he's dead weight.

I'm sorry, it makes me angry, I hate to see people being treated that way, you deserve way better. That's the attitude my wife started to get and I told her, if she is not willing to do her part, we're done. Life is too short not to be given the respect we deserve. I was brought back from death serving my country and I'm not going to let someone walk all over me!

God, I'm rambling now.

AITS,
It is such a difficult road and as I started to say, such a struggle. i wanted to say, my husband has two sides to him too. I feel he has struggled and he has shown me more of his dark side since the affair than I ever saw before the affair either!

I think, in my husband's case, because he quit drinking, he really went thru a personality change. I think it could happen even without alcohol, just from a crisis. They too are spinning and I agree you must confront again and again. Just because time has passed doesn't mean your needs have been met.

Tell him you just do not feel as if you know him anymore and you need to know the "why's" and how he feels having done these manipulative things. My husband has answered many questions over many years. At times he just could not . He either could not face the answer yet or really could not even "get it" yet. Even now, some he just does not know! If they are important to me, I calmly bring them up a month or so later. Strangly, he often hasn''t given them any thought! So, I calmly say, "You said you would think about that a month ago", as if I actually thought he would. At that point he will usually give it some thought and sometimes discuss it. Some things will never have an answer and that has is ok because it starts to make sense and you get the big picture after a short while.

The most important thing for me is not to lie to myself. I did not marry the man I thought I married. I need to not allow myself to slip back into denial and forget what he is capable of doing. He may never betray me again but he is capable of doing so. I also did not marry Attilla The Hun. I love him still and find many things about him that are admirable and lovable. If I did not, I could not stay.

Good luck to you. Sorting this part out honestly is difficult and takes time.

Ami....It's amazing how similar my reactions have been this past month also.... it is my 2 yr. anniversary of d-day also.... I wonder if it is some kind of milestone in our mind....
I still haven't figured out all that may have triggered my deep downward spiral at this point...
maybe for me ... it's the worry that ..if I'm still not 'over it' after 2 yrs.....maybe I never will be....

and.... my husband's refusal to discuss any of the issues again..because he feels that we both should be 'over it' by now...and there should no longer be any questions or concerns left for me....

again...for those that may not be familiar with my story.... I found out after 30 years of marriage... 34 years together...that my husband was having a 5 year long affair with a married co-worker....

he has done a lot of hard work... he has changed himself in many ways...


maybe he's right... I should be 'over it' by now....

This topic makes me think that there might need to be a new room. Let's face it folks, this thing is a long haul process. What about a room that is for those 2 years post D-day. I'm not there yet but will be soon. I don't know, I'm just thinking while I write but there does seem to be a certain rhythm to the recovery. Everyone knows the first year is hell.

Ami, Reil makes some very good points and writing it down can make things more real.

I could have written what you wrote, Ami. It has been 5 months and a week since d-day. Said I would give it 6 months before making any drastic decisions. Just don't know how it is going to work out. This is not the man I thought I knew for 29 years. Every time it seems things are back to a world I know, bammm, this new reality hits. He becomes, argumentative, secretive, evasive and sarcastic.
This is the most difficult and painful thing I have ever experienced. The thing is, when we would go through difficult periods before, I always thought we were in this together. Now I see it as all lies and manipulations.
Wonder if I want my old life back or the life I thought I had.

NCNanc you will never have your old life back....sorry..it changed..but its up to you to make it good. I'm going on a year in a couple of days and things just started to look ok. 6 months is too soon....unfortunately!!!! We have to be superheroes with our ability to have the most patients in the world.

Jersygirl: I feel the same way and so does my H. He did not have a drinking problem so that and his PA lasted 18 months, emotional for the next 10 years. Just this morning, I was drinking my coffee and watching the morning news on a local TV station. Today, one of the reporters was doing an office romance study.
Ouch! In a survey, it was reported that 42% have some kind of an affair w/ their boss. Bingo. My H was sitting nearby and said, it's a good thing you never had a boss!! I replied,maybe I would have been like the 48% the didn't. I would have had morals and values and remembered my vows. I started to cry. He put his hand on my shoulder and said, now it's been over 2 years that you've known, let it go. I felt like I was going to throw up and I just can't take this anymore!!

Ami, I think maybe what your husband was doing, rather than trying to manipulate you and the OW, was trying to enlist help in making up his mind what he wanted. When with you he probably wanted you, but then with OW he felt he wanted her. He was was mixed up and probably did want help.
As for him going back to his old ways, he will never be a different person. People can work hard at doing things that they know they are supposed to do, but inside they are still the same person with the same annoying habits that will come out from time to time. If you were happy before the affair, you can be happy again.

Daisy, I just feel so badly for you because it sounds like you really have a good husband and a good marriage. Don't let your resentment of what he did in the past ruin the rest of you life. This is your choice now.

I understand how most of you feel, It's been 18 since D-day and sometimes if we are watching a tv show or movie that refers to an affair, it's uncomfortable, for all of us, even the kids. Some days the triggers are too much, but with time, it does get better. With that said, the relationship only gets better if both people are working at it. Ami, I think the advice about having your H spell out what he needs, may be helpful. If he is unwilling or distant after that, I would question, whats up?