About a year ago, I started playing an online video game with my brother and my sons. I soon became very addicted to it. As my wife works the second shift and I the first, I didn't see the problem with playing the whole night while she was working. The problems began to arise in the fact that when she would return home I would not shut the game off. I always would tell her I need a few more minutes, I am so close to the next goal, etc... The "few minutes" sometimes lasted an hour or more. She soon began trying to tell me how I was neglecting her. I could not see it, and usually laughed, thinking our love was too strong to be diminished by a video game. In reality it was not the game at all. It was the emotional betrayal through my not giving her my time and not listening or fully understanding her feelings. She began to "go out" with her co-workers instead of coming directly home after work. After a few months of this I started to question my role in the problem, soon realizing I am to blame for her not wanting to be home. I deleted the game from my computer and stopped ALL activities which were destructive to our relationship. I began reaffirming my feelings toward her and my sons, I started doing ALL of the housework, I affirm her only with thoughts of love and honor and respect. I purchased an anger management/marriage counselling course, have read it fully and try every day to apply it. In short, I gave myself and my time back to my family. At this point I told her I have seen my faults and accepted responsibility for my role. The problem did not subside, however, She told me it may be too late. I had neglected her feelings for too long. This scared me VERY much and I became irrational, losing control again and thinking that I could "force" her to love me again. When she said I could not I called her names and accused her of several unfaithful relationships. I called numbers that I did not recognize in her cell phone. This humiliated her, because I actually left several voice mails accusing other men of being with her and told them to leave her alone. I didn't know these men were almost all business contacts. Then I went so far as to call her employer and made up lies about her in an attempt to get her fired. My intentions were to remove her from the situation, so I could have her back and try to work out our problems. The effect, however, was even more embarrassment. This is the first job she has ever had in which she recieved respect. As she put it "You tried to take away the only self esteem I have ever had". This hurt me even worse. I know I am the root of the problem, yet it seemed as if she were saying she values the job (and pending promotion) more than our marriage. And although I admit feeling as if I am the root of this issue, I also feel as though I have, and am still making every effort to repair the marriage and grow myself into the loving husband and father I want to be. This went on for a few weeks. I, the whole time thinking things were slowly improving, yet still feeling alone myself. We were no longer intimate at all, no "goodbye" kisses, she does not hold me, tells me not to touch her, and will not tell me she loves me. These are all things I need very much in order to feel as if the "baby" steps we(I) were taking are demonstrating any kind of success. I still felt as though what we had was the greatest love she or I had ever known and if we could just get back to that point we would eventually find our way. Then last night happenned. My worst fear, my unthinkable, unforgivable. She admitted that she in fact had given herself to another man. I didn't know how to react, what to say or do. I found myself trying to console her. In the first instant I realized I CAN forgive it, I WANT to forgive it. Then I made the mistake of asking her again to leave the job and this town and to get away from any temptations so we can "fix" our marriage. She said NO again. She told me she had made a two year commitment to the job, based upon a pending promotion. I didn't understand and told her "you have already made a lifelong commitment to me" and felt as if this should supercede any two year commitment to any job. She reiterrated that it may be too late and she said she does not know if we can get past it because she cannot forgive herself. She could not even bring herself to say that she wanted to try to learn to forgive ourselves and each other. I kept talking and kept talking thinkng I may eventually say the right thing(s). Instead I became a nuisance to her and she asked me to "leave her alone". So I did, and I dwelled on it all day sullen and depressed. This afternoon she left for work, so I got on the internet and started researching how to survive infidelity in a marriage. All of the resources I found require both partners to work together, but she has made it clear already that she is unwilling. NO counselling of any kind. Please help me if you can.
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