With all three kids napping, I'm here getting my daily fix of daily strength and I'm wondering about some things. I've read so much advice and thoughts about moving forward, rebuilding, forgiveness, and acceptance and on an intellectual level, I fully understand all of these things. The problem is that I am emotionally struggling with these things daily. Things have been going along well for the past month or so. There have been a few bumps in the road, but all in all, I guess we are on the right track. I am worried about me, though. Sometimes I will be going along well, doing fine, and I will suddenly start thinking about all of the affairs, the lies, the deception, and I wonder if I am making the right decision. It still knocks the wind out of me to think that I am sharing my life with someone who could have done this to me. Then all of those nagging questions come back at me. How could he? How can I move forward? What is wrong with me that he would do something like this? How can I be with someone who is capable of this? The rational side of me tries to remain calm, but I become panicked thinking about what my life has become and terrified that I am moving down the wrong path. Sometimes I feel so small and insignificant because of this and I think that I need to stand up for myself and I am not sure if standing up for myself means leaving, or staying and giving him another chance to prove himself to me. I know I should do what makes me happy, but right now I don't know what will make me happy. I kind of think that happiness just isn't possible anymore. The pain will always be there, lurking underneath. I wonder if this is just another part of the healing process. Can any of you relate? And if so, I would love to hear from someone who has come out on the other side of this. Just feeling like I'm spiraling into another deep dark depression, and I could use some encouragement and support. Thanks
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