Yes, it makes sense. Tell him.

I also feel that way sometimes. I believe it is me, not allowing myself to feel! I go numb because to feel his love...will hurt...it always does! If I really want to feel it...I can...but I must put my defences down. I usually can do that during sex. I sometimes wont even hear his words, just dont want to believe he could love me and do what he did.

I am trying to change that but my brain is in the way!

Your H was having a close relationship with someone that included lots of conversation. I bet he was feeling the same way, lonely, unloved. I probably still is but doesn't know how to find it with you. Sometimes if you pretend to feel a certain way, and act like you do the feeling will come. Think about some of the things you did for your H when you were first together. What kind of things make him feel attractive, interesting, excited. If he is feeling depressed it will make it hard for him to give affection.

Write down what you want from him. Ask him to write down what he wants from you. Sit down with your lists, and see what happens when you talk about them. You can ask for what you want, and you need to know what he is capable of giving, and what he is not capable of. One thing I have learned through all of this, is my H can't read my mind, and I can't read his. When he says or does something that upsets me, I let him know, and he lets me know if I upset him. This was part of our new relationship, and it is working. Your H can't read your mind, so let him know. HUGE HUGS!!!!

There are really two questions here.... does he show you affection and you just don't 'feel' it? It's not enough somehow...you don't trust it?
or....does he just not show any affection towards you? is he cold? doesn't touch,hug, etc.?
If it's the first one...then I think all of us here are dealing with that feeling at one time or another...my husband is very affectionate and sometimes I respond..but other times when a thought or memory of the affair crosses my mind... I just go numb for a bit...I guess deep inside I don't trust what he is expressing...don't believe it on a certain level.

now, if he is acting coldly toward you then that is a different thing...has he always been that way? is that his nature? his personality? does he acknowledge that he is not naturally an affectionate person? would he be willing to try to change for you? would he be willing to be coached by you or with the help of a marriage counselor about the importance of showing affection and how he could do this for you? maybe there could be a compromise as to what he feels comfortable with and what you need...maybe its just a pattern of behavior that the two of you have set up...that needs to be changed now...

and the last scenario is....do you think he is acting coldly towards you since the affair? that he is depressed? or is having second thoughts? or is feeling guilty ? or is angry about something?or he doesn't want to be married? is that why he is withholding affection?

the one thing that I feel is so important and something I wish we had realized earlier in my marriage (before the affair) is that a married couple has to communicate! no matter how hard it may be to express their feelings they have to figure out a way to let the other person understand what they are feeling, going through, what is bothering them..so communication is key....

Hi kat...is he saying it or showing it?

Love is a "verb"...an action-- not a noun-- and there is a difference.

Start by asking yourself that first question. Go from there.

Always here...

Jax