I'm struggling with some of the same issues and questions right now. It sucks that time is supposed to heal all wounds, but instead it just brings more questions and fears.

Looking to him for answers probably won't do you any good. Look at the person you are, celebrate the survivor, and know that you're stronger than you may think you are. Our parents may not have been able to protect us at all times, but that doesn't mean that they're bad parents or didn't love us enough or anything. Bad things happen sometimes. This is one of the very very worst...

I hate him for what he did but at the same time I thank him for making me more aware. I just hate that I'm still afraid to trust my fiance because I fear getting hurt again. I know he'll never hurt me like that. I wish I didn't have the fear but then I realize that the fear is what also keeps me on my toes.

I was raped 16 years ago, myself. On the 15th "Anniversary" I sat down, and wrote him a letter. (His mom and my mom are still friends.) I told him what I've gone thru since. What I was going thru at the time. Basically just let it all out. And, I even mailed it.
I think, at the time, when I wrote it, I did help. But, I guess what I was really wanting out of it, was an apology. I never got it. I learned from him mom later, that my letter help him feel better about the whole situation.
Well, isn't that just hunky dory?!
My opinion is men who rape are pigs, incapable of feelings. They obviously didn't have any when they do this to us, they certainly aren't going to now.
I guess, what I'm saying is, I don't think talking to him is the answer, but that's my opinion. Again, writing that letter really helped me. But, I also knew he got it.
Had I just written it, and maybe sent it to someone else I knew (telling them about it, obviously) or just thrown it away or something, maybe it would have been ok. Unfortunately, it didn't work that way.
I don't know, I guess, what exactly I'm trying to say. I know it has helped me with many issues, just to sit down and write. Say what you wanna say. Put it all down on paper.
It may help.
I'm sorry if I'm not much help.

I've been writing about my experience and my other problems since I became a teen. My mother stopped talking to his mother after I told her what happened years later. My mother and my boyfriend both said they'd kill him if they ever saw him. I just say let it go. The same thing happened to my mom around the time she had gotten pregnant with me. No!! He's not the father. I just say people learn more when their in these situations and have more respect for it too. I try to reach out to others like me. Especially kids. By doing this I get a chance to warn others and also give them courage to live life instead of blaming themselves and/or god. I'm not very religous, more in spirit. As long as you have someone in your life that helps you keep your head high even when you feel you might give up, you'll be okay. I am not looking for an apology. I don't care about that. Even if he did I don't think I could really forgive him. I'm just going to live my life the way I always dreamed. In peace and happiness.