I thought the nightmares and terrors were gone. Theyre not. I was half asleep, ready to find a peaceful escape but a memory of another time not so long ago, when I allowed my exhaustion to overwhelm me and I found myself in a situation I wanted to avoid by sleeping. There are few things worse than being conscious of whats happening to you and being unable to fight back because your body is so lethargic and your mind is still foggy. Theres no pretty way to say this. A few months back I fell asleep in the back of my exs moms van and was woken up by my ex crawling into the back with me and then beginning to make me do things for him, even when I begged him to just let me sleep. Even when his younger brother sat in the front seat he used the seats in front of us as a barrier so that his brother didnt see what he made me do for him. I lost count of how many times he used my mouth and hands and even my breasts. I felt so violated but my body couldnt build up the strength to fight back. I suspect he might have given me something earlier that evening to put me to sleep because I was sleeping during a play practice earlier, too. I was fully aware of what he was doing but I could do nothing to stop him because my body was so weak. Why are all these things, horrible things he did to me, coming back now? I wonder if I blocked them out because I didnt want to stop loving him or maybe I wanted to see the good in him. There were other times, even in school when he would force his hands down my pants with only his hoodie covering my lap. I know I should have stopped him but I was so humiliated I couldnt make a scene without fearing that someone would realize what he was doing to me. I feel like part of this is my fault because I let him do what he did. If I had just said no one more time he might have stopped or if I had just pushed harder away from him or if I had just gotten out of the car I cant stop blaming myself for what happened to me. what am I supposed to do? I can't sleep now and I can't look myself in the eye anymore. I thought it was getting better but it seems I was wrong again.
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