I have dated this guy several times in the past. I have Hep C and went on tx and as of right now , i have been cured of it. So when he called i thought i would go to his place which is out of town because i know him and we had gotten along, i had kinda shut myself off from the world when i got dx. Anyway, i went to his house, i knew i would be spending the night, i wan't going to drive back home in the middle of the night. I had one white russian while i was there, which made me tipsy but i wasn't drunk... we started to make out and things led to another, and well i told him he had to put a condom on, he was reluctant but he did, then as we continued he took it off , i told him to put it back on, because i didn't want to sleep with him without one, I have been through enough in the past year without having to worry about infections or pregnancy..im not on birth control. Well of course he didn't want to but reluctantly put it back on,,, then again took it off, because he was having trouble getting excited, then he just started holding my hands and he was heavy and i guess i shouldnt have screamed but what really would that have done, he wansnt hurting me, or hitting me, he was just holding me down, and the more i said no, he said that turned him on. It wasn't no that i didn't want to sleep with him, but noo that he could sleep with me without a condom on. He continued til he was finished, he at least didn't ejaculate within me, but i still have this feeling of being violated and disrespected somehow.. i also feel ashamed and guilty like it is my fault that i let him. He is now calling me and asking more about my hep c like he is scared tha the may catch it... I feel guilty for that as well, i mean he can't catch it unless he exchanges blood, but i still feel guilty because i just should have never put myself in that situation...i guess i thought i was ready for a relationship, and im still not ready. Did i not handle the situation the way i should have. I mean i was making out with him, just as much as he was with me.. I just wanted him to put the condom on... if this is not rape, then why do i still feel like im violated to a certain extent? i just want to forget it happened. I can't tell anyone, im too ashamed that i put myself in that predicament, i mean im a psychology major...i should know better... i guess i just was too eager to get my life back and feel affection from the opposite sex, i have felt alone for so long and unwanted. I should have seen that i was just not emotionally ready yet..i mean again im a psychology major... God why do i feel like this?!
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