There was a story on the news tonight about a little 4 month old baby that was raped at a day care center and the place is still open. I find myself trying to fight back the ultimate rage I feel. I want to go tell these people to not rely on law enforcement or the justice system to provide them with justice or even safety. The best thing they could do is take the person out themselves. I am fighting these feelings so hard! I mean, here I am, nearly 3 1/2 years after my child's rape and he still walks free victimizing other children. I get angry with myself sometimes for trying to be rational. Hell...why should I be rational??? If you can't go crazy and kill some SOB that rapes your child...then what exactly is temporary insanity?? I tell my husband all the time that the problem with this country is that we have become to "civilized". Back in the day they would have been strung up in a tree and life goes on...and the guy would have had a sound beating before the event, too. It didn't help that my little one was having a day of triggers and had an "episode" like she hasn't had in a while. I get so angry. I feel like in trying to do "the right thing" that I have ended up doing the WRONG THING...I failed to protect my baby. Why did I think that CPS, police, the navy, the courts, the guardian ad litem, would do the RIGHT thing? Why was I so stupid and nieve?? Some days I feel like I have no right to be these beautiful children's mother until I have exacted justice for them. Why do we put so much faith in such a terribly broken system?? I am so angry!!!!!!!!!!!! Forgive me for venting, but it is a tough night. I still know it is ONLY by the total grace of God that I haven't killed him. Some days I consider that my biggest accomplishment, and other days I consider that fact my biggest failure. Maybe I sound like a terrible person, but good people are sometimes brought to do terrible things...or at least think about it. PTSD is such a frustration. Days like this is like it just happened yesterday and I'm on the phone with my baby girl knowing something is wrong, but not knowing what and being powerless to help her. I am so damn mad and sad at the same time.
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