Please don't judge me... I don't know how I can ask that when I'm already judging myself but I do.
i thought I was over it, it's been over 20 years since the first time he touched me. He was my brothers best friend and was always around and I had the biggest crush on him. I was 10 and he was 17. When he started things I didn't know what to think... again I was 10 and I allowed it to happen for years. He would always tell me how much I meant to him and how when I turned 18 he would come for me and we would be together forever. Again I was 10, I believed him. He dissapeared when I was 13- just vanished and I saw him briefly at my dads funeral when I was 15 but we didn't talk much.
I thought I was over it, I worked thru the anger, I went to therapy, I started a life that was no longer self destructive and was happy. Until a few days ago. I googled him and a phone number showed up on the first search. Curiosity got the best of me and I emailed him (as to not give my number away) I asked is this so and so? And his response was hi (my name). Like he had been waiting for years for my message.
we talked and we both cried. He bawled and said how he was so sorry and he has never forgiven himself. And in that moment I forgave him. I honestly believed that it was okay to forgive him.
Problem is now I feel like that 10 year old girl who loved this monster. I spent 20 years in pain trying every way to destroy my life because of this person and all of sudden that hate is gone and it's like I just lost someone I loved. What is wrong with me that I miss my friend, I miss loving him. How is it fair that he feels better after talking and I feel worse. How is it fair that he gets to move on and I'm back to crying every day. What is wrong with me that I wrote that message, what is wrong with me that I forgave him and what is wrong with me that I still love him. I'm not 10 anymore or 11 or 12 I'm not that naive kid who spent years being molested because I trusted the wrong person. So why does my brain say otherwise.
Sorry that this is a little off topic but i have a anoucmet to make. My beautiful wife Amy is pregnent with my second child. And this sort of new is to hard aspecially for me, to keep to ourselves.You are all welcome to join us in our excitement .Scott
So drug test results came back and they said I'm not immune to chicken pox??? So this is really random because my estranged mother did tell me when I was kid I got the chicken pox shot. She said she would bring me around kids that had it and make us rub arms so I'd get it. But I didn't get it. So I told the nurse that I had the shot. She's like can you send me the results. I'm like um I haven't...