I was abused and raped by my brother thru most of my childhood and raped again as an adult by a man I was seeing. I am finally addressing all this in therapy because it is affecting my relationship with my fiance, but the more I think about it, the more I hate myself. I hate that I couldn't stop it as a child and I hate it even more that I put myself in that situation as an adult. I feel like it was my fault. I feel like such an idiot. What is even worse is that I went back to the guy who raped me...I went back for more...somehow thought I could change the situation or get control. I am just so disgusted with myself and feel like something is wrong with me...that I am hopelessly shattered and broken...that I'm just dirty and damaged. I'm afraid it isn't possible to be whole again so why even try...maybe I'm just meant to be a means to satisfy others, maybe I don't deserve any better.
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I am a rape survivor. The abuse stopped in 2010. But here recently I have found that the reprocussions have started now. I have a chance with my significant other for a real future and I am struggling. I don't feel like I am worth more than I am now. And I don't want to continue the pattern