Oh girl...I know exactly how you feel! Ive had the same issue with councelors. My experience was similar to yours. I wrote a journal about it. you can read it if you'd like. Ive just recently decided to give counceling another shot. I'm a little nervous about it but I'm hoping this time around will be different. I am here if you ever need a friend!

thank you so much...i am sure i will need a friend, thanks for offering and i am here if you need one also.

Feeling guilty definately felt that, still do but I'm working on it in fact I think I can relate to a lot of what you are feeling as I'm sure can a lot of people here, what I've learnt here is that I don't seem to be unique in anything I m feeling!
As for feeling angry with your counsellors if you can be honest with your counsellors that you are feeling angry and they don't get defensive and can handle your anger than this could be something really positive that you can work on in counselling so good luck and no you haven't offended me (although i often worry that myself!)
take care
L

I love my counslor! She has made it very clear to me that nothing I did made this happen. She stresses that this was not my fault and it's all about control of the rapist over the victim. Nothing else. I was actually surprised the first time she said that to me. I think that was the first time I realized that I wasn't the only one who felt guilt...she let me know that it's "normal" to feel this way, but she helped me work through this and I now know for a fact and feel that this was not my fault at all and I'm not to blame.

I want to say right off the bat that nothing you wrote made me think 'gosh, that was her fault'. NOTHING! Hanging out with the wrong group is not permission for anyone to rape. Drinking is not permission for anyone to rape. Agreeing to go to the store is not permission for anyone to rape.

Somehow we fall into guilt over various things because NOW we can look back and see what happened. Isn't it too bad that none of us had the ability to look forward?

If you had known why he gave you the shots of vodka, would you have taken them? If you had known that he planned to get you in a secluded place and rape you, would you have willingly gone? I'd bet my last dollar that the answer is no... that you would have gotten as far away from him as you could.

You have nothing to be guilty of here. Really. The guilt is entirely his and he should have gone to prison for the crime he committed against you.

Also, he knew he was guilty... he admitted it when he told you not to tell anyone.

You did NOT deserve it. It was not your fault in any way, shape or form.

Hoping all the best for you,
kaye

I think that you suffered 'consequences', it is easy to accept blame, but, as stated here, the blame is NOT your's. Rape is a crime. This man is a criminal. If this man had done all of the things you list here, except he didn't rape you, but he drove you to the country in a secluded spot, and he rummaged through your purse and stole all of your money, would THAT be your fault? NO! It wouldn't. This is a silly comparison, but it is an appropriate comparison when discussing guilt. You didn't do anything a million other women have done many times, and they got home safely. Maybe with a headache, but without being raped. You should not have had to suffer this experience either.

We have each carried our own burden of self-blame and shame. Each of us thinks our reasons are just and appropriate for us. We openly and freely tell others here on this site that what happened to them was not their fault. All the while, harboring shame and guilt over our own experience. This is sadly a common trait among us, but we are wrong to entertain thoughts of guilt, or shame. We compound the crime by allowing this kind of thinking to invade.

My therapist has indeed helped me, but, it is the hard work I have invested that has made the difference. He is gifted and concerned, but he is not able to accomplish MY healing. Only I can do that. I do it by showing up to therapy, being 100% committed to healing and the work required to see myself through to that end. You can do it too. Bumps and stalls will be inevitable, but, you have to keep going knowing every step forward cannot be stolen from you - you own every bit of progress, all of it!

Hearing someone telling you it is your fault is always a possibility, and if you tell people you need to be prepared to possibly hear someone say that to you. But you have to remember that it wasn't your fault. You have to remember that you did nothing wrong, and if someone tells you that it is your fault, they don't know what they are talking about and at least you know the truth about it.

You cannot let that fear make you not get your story out there. You have grown since then, and you have become much stronger. Just make sure that you tell someone who is a good friend, someone that will listen, and someone you can trust to not tell everyone else that you know. (((HUGS))) I am here if you need me. Take care and I hope that everything goes well.