On December 26,2005, I believe I was raped. Six days after having a total hysterectomy at age 39(open abdominal)and zonked out on Percocet for pain, my ex-boyfriend and I retired to go to sleep. Or so i thought.With alcohol in his system,he becomes sexually agressive-likes to choke, pull and twist hair and mostly have anal sex. He initiated with tenderness and I complied with the touching. He wanted sex and i was so high on Percocet i said ok.I don't think i was truly cognizant of what i was agreeing to. As soon as he entered me I was in terrible pain. I said " It hurts...stop...stop" as I was trying not to scream. He didnt. He instead grabbed my hair and twisted my neck shoving my face into the pillow so my screams and demands for him to stop were muffled, and wouldn't wake my only child, a 15 yr. old son sleeping in the next room. It didnt last long. Maybe 1 minute. When he finished he rolled off of me on his back and I was crying saying " oh my god...why didnt you stop...it hurt so bad ..why didnt you stop? " He said, " I couldn't...i was too close." He said, " I'm sorry, i didnt mean to hurt you...sorry honey ", And then was asleep. I layed there on my back and silently cried myself to sleep, not believing the man that i loved had just done that to me.I didn't associate the word "rape" to myself or confront him with the word "rape' till March 2006. I had asked him the morning after why he didnt stop...didnt he hear me? He was nonchalant like nothing had happened, which was his normal way anyways. cold, unemotional, detached from sex except for old porn lines. i think i blocked it out for that 15 months. But i became very depressed, anxious, repeatedly suicidal, hateful toward him, wanting to hurt him physically and emotionally. I was a Monster toward him.He was basically a hard working good-natured guy but at times i hated him as much as i loved him once. I was madly in love with his little boy who turned 7 this March and treated him like my own son. i kicked him out in March 2006 after many brief bouts of him staying elsewhere because i couldnt get along with him. I was so angry. I have told a couple close girlfriends and a sister but had not gone to the police. I did tell his mother though in a rage. she didnt believe me.When i confronted my ex repeatedly he denied it, said i wanted it, never said no, enjoyed it, was fine the next day..etc. I ask you...would any woman who just lost her ability to have a baby and ALL her female parts WANT to have anal sex 6 days later???!!!! Stupid me...I missed his boy and my family so much i took him back to stay every now and then. My mom died on July 3 after a long battle with brain disease. I kicked his ass out again 4 days after the funeral when he wasnt even thoughtful enuff to get me a card, flowers, or not get smashed at her funeral. last week, i forgave him again...life was going ok but i was lonely. He swooped in on it like a Hawk. I was happy i thought i could forgive him and move forward with him as just friends. I wanted to see his boy so badly. We had consentual sex on tuesday and i felt absolutely numb during it. Ten minutes later when his phone rang he told me he was seeing this girl and had to go...She "needed him" . that she was just a friend but he had " fu**** " three other women since July including a Sadist. And he didnt use protection with any of them.He left me sitting in my living room with tears running down my face and in total disbelief. I felt used and violated ...the same feeling emotionally as when i was raped. I have been building a big red rage toward him since Wed. Yesterday i think i slipped into psychosis. I began calling him and texting him continually verbally and lyrically assaulting him in every way to hurt him. I demanded he get his stuff on my porch so i never had to see him again.He said he would. He didnt. this morning i went looking for him with his stuff. There was a physical altercation initiated by me. I was out of my mind with rage. I smashed his stuff on the ground. He pushed me out the door trying to defend himself bruised my arms and broke my glasses. I talked to him on the phone after i called his work and told them he is a rapist. ( he was just part of an internal investigation for having an affair with an insubbordinate...they found him innocent) He didnt seem to care because he said no one would believe me almost two yrs. later. That if he raped me i would have done something and never gone back to him or had sex with him. I sat in my car contemplating suicide at noontime or reporting him.I havent done either yet. i am afraid of whats to come if i report him. I dont want him to lose his son is the main reason i havent. I don't know what to do...and I am an educated woman in the healthcare field for over 20 yrs. Can someone please help me? Can I still file a believable charge?
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