When I was 12 years old I was raped by my mother one night when she had come home drunk, this was the first of several incidents that occoured until I finally told a cousin of mine who was living in Ireland when I was 14 years old, I was scared and confused I still felt love for my mother but I also feared her and I was sickened by the thought of her touching me of course in a sexual way but also in any non sexual way to.

When I was about 14 and a half my mother fell pregnant however she had a miscarriage, I was digusted with myself to be glad about this after all it was not the babys fault that it was concieved in such a sickening manor, I often thought about this and felt guilty for being relieved at the death of the child.

When I was 15 years old I finally reported what my mother did to me and she was arrested and I was taken into care, I however was having violent dreams and am ashamed to say wet the bed until I was 17. I was very nervous when I met my first foster carers and didn`t trust any of them, sadly I couldn`t adjust and became ill due to the stress of being constantly afriad I suffered from panic attacks and couldn`t leave the house very often and had to sleep with the light on at all times.

After a lot of discussion and thanks to the efforts of my cousin a family was found for me in Ireland that would adopt me. It took me a long time to adjust but my cousin supported me, I recieved a lot of councelling and treatments to help me with trust issues and my nightmares and I slowley began to settle in, however even after all the treatment I had recieved I couldn`t and still can`t bare the thought of another women touching me and have only had realtionships with other men since the incident. I haven`t told many people I am gay because i`m not certain about this maybe I will trust women again in time.

Also most people I have told don`t know about the rape only my cousin and one very close female friend know about this and they often ask how I knew I was gay and how long I was out of the closet and all that :\ I have been finding it hard to speak about because I don`t want to mention the rape and recently its been getting me down.

My mother is also very ill I flew back to America during thanksiving and I was there for 2 weeks but I never visited her I was to scared and now I feel guilty about this and I don`t know how I`m supposed to feel if she dies.