Sometimes I think I am getting better, but then I quickly realize that I am not. I have tried eliminating all triggers which helps, but unfortunately it is impossible to forget what happened. Sometimes I think my rapists are right and I just misinterpreted the situation, but then it doesn't make sense why they threatened me and told me I would get beaten up and that I could not tell my parents or my cousin, what was the purpose of this if it was consentual, but I still blame myself. It doesn't help that my mother when trying to win an argument uses my past against me. It hurts and makes me mad. Then it causes severe depression, if it were not for my husband I think I would be worse off. I don't know how to deal with my mother. Sometimes I want to confront her, but I know that will only make her lash out and upset her. She will make me out to be the bad guy as she usually does when I make her mad. I know she didn't want me, she reminds me of how I am a disappointment all the time. I continue to try to have a mother-daughter relationship with her but I get burned often. I wish I had the mother-daughter relationship so many of my friends have. Anyone have any advice or anything that fills the void of not having a loving mother.
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