it needs to be told, so here it goes...

When I was 9 my cousin raped me. He may not have had full sex with me, but what he did was rape. At first he used to make me sit on his lap, or sit really close next to him, and I always remember hed smile and hed touch me, like down my top, and hed kiss me, thats how it started. But he got braver and hed do that but touch me in my underwear as well, no one ever told me that was wrong, and although I knew it was weird because hed make me promise not to tell anyone, it never occurred to me that it was wrong. I remember he was always really nice about it, although he didnt like me when I talked, I talked because I thought it was a game and hed just tell me to shut up, one day he took it further, instead of just touching me, I sat on his lap, he looked at me, smirked and just rammed his hand inside of me. It hurt like nothing Id ever felt before and looking back I cant believe he did it, I cant believe I let him do it, but thats when it suddenly wasnt the game it used to be, it was a shut up, everyone has to do this when theyre this old kinda thing, and it went on every week for about 3 months. So every week hed sit me down, whether on his lap, in a bed or in a bathroom, kiss me, touch me and then force his hand into me. Saying that makes me feel sick, I feel sorry for me, I trusted my cousin, why shouldn't I have, and he violated that every time he ever looked at me like that.

I know I was 9, and I shouldnt have had to say no, and I KNOW as fact that it wasnt my fault, but it doesnt stop the little 9 year old inside me saying yeah but, if you'd done this.. and its the most confusing thing in the world.

I never ever told anyone, ANYONE, no one in this world knows apart from me and him, and I HATE myself for not saying anything, because if I had, I wouldnt feel like this now and I could have got some help, and hed be in jail. If I tell now, yeah I can get help, but its never gonna go away, however much I try to say it, Im not ever going to forget, people say you cheer up or "smile!" when they know im feeling crappy, but do they think i'm choosing to feel this and to remember that? I would give everything to not have the memories but its not ever going to change, and I feel trapped. I feel like as long as I stay in the dark, without telling someone, the longer Im going to suffer, but Im not sure that I have the courage to tell someone. I hate hating myself for this, because I was a kid, and I didnt deserve that, and I look at myself now and I hate it. I cut myself, it makes me feel bad that no one knows, because I cant vent this to anyone, no one knows why i'm so angry so no one will ever understand why I hate myself, why I hate the body I live in, and why I feel like my mind is irreparable, why sometimes I feel like itd be best for everyone if I just wasn't here.

I know thats stupid to think, because i'm not going to do that for him, I'm worth more than that, but it's hard to see sometimes and I still cut myself, I still havent told and I still feel like I'm 9 years old.