I was raped on April 1, 2007. I made a decision that morning that I would never tell another person. I had been out celebrating a birthday, and had plans to meet up with friends after giving him a ride home. I did not know him, but he was stranded, and I felt bad for him. Long and short of it, was I was way late meeting my friends and they were worried. The entire time he was holding me down my phone was going off with calls and text messages. I remember just trying to shut down, and to keep my mind closed so it would be over. When I got away, I met back up with everyone, because it was weird enough that I was running so late. When I got to the restaurant where they were, they noticed that I had hickies all over my neck and upper chest. I was so ashamed, but played it off as a hook up. They all just teased me, and we went dancing. I could not stay much later, I just wanted to disappear into the walls. I managed to keep it all together until recently. I finally told my best friend two weeks ago. He had been there that night, and has noticed that I have changed. I just broke down, and God how I wish I could take it back now. Everything is just getting worse. I haven't slept more than 2 or 3 hours since I started talking about it. When I do sleep, I keep reliving the experience and wake up in a panic. I just got some test results today and was told that I have an STD. I know it was from that night, as I had been a virgin up until then. Now I am not sure what is up and what is down. Counselling is sort of helping, I just can't seem to get a handle on anything any more. I am tired, and angry, and afraid. This is not who I was, but is becoming who I am. I can't even go out any more, I get afraid of what might happen. I don't want to be afraid......but there doesn't seem to be another way. I know that I am not in a good space, and I try to isolate myself so that I don't infect anyone else. God, I really wish I could just disappear into the walls or become invisible.
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