I have been putting the rape and the molestations I encountered on the back burner trying not to think about it. I don't know how they are affecting me other than my inability to get better from my eating disorder bulimia. I'm starting to get tired of trying to control the the only thing I can control my weight. It is losing ten pounds and gaining ten pounds. I want to stop and need to stop but its just so hard. I want a miracle, but all I get are reasons for me to continue in doing this. I'm terrified of gaining more weight, but I also notice that I'm gaining weight subconsciously as a defensive mechanism against having my ex boyfriend want to be with me. I guess I'm just venting but I am up to my head with this struggle already. I want to give up, and let die. I don't know if I can get better. I'm not sure I can be healthy.