Hi. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I started on this site not long ago and pretty much the exact same thing happened to me. I kind of freaked out and stayed away for a couple of weeks. I'm still not entirely sure what to do. I have been successfully avoiding thinking about it... for the most part. But I have been avoiding it for a long time. I don't find it hard to ignore. In fact it feels easier. I feel like it's this deadly thing that is brewing inside of me while I am distracted and that one day it will really rear it's ugly head and I am gonna snap. See, so it might be better to go ahead and deal with it in a way where you have a little more control over some of the variables. I know I liked it better when I didn't let myself feel it. I thought I did, anyway. But I'll admit it's a relief to talk to other people who understand. It's a relief to read accounts of studies that show links between what happened to me then and how I am now. I have gotten a lot of info on this site and a couple of links to other sites with lots of info. Knowledge seems to bring some understanding... I don't know if I have helped you. I guess I hope we both figure out what to do. Just know you are not in it alone....

I know it feels terrible butthis hyper awareness is a normal art of healing, when you first start to really deal with your abuse/rape everything around you will either trigger something or remind you of rape or abuse, it is cause it is freash on your mind and journalling at this stage may prove to be beneficial and really helpful, but only you know what you can and can't handle, maybe a break will help yet maybe some more counselling/therapy sessions may be better while you are going through this intense time

Now is not the time to break...but to journal more. Yes, this is a common thing you desribe. It happened to me as well. I had 'kind of' dealt with the issues...on my own. I knew journaling was suggested...required, for some therapists, so I jumped in and just wrote and wrote...and wrote. The nightmares were at fever pitch, the flashbacks, intrusive thoughts...all of it way worse than I anticipated. I had gotten years of experience pretending. I was a pro at it. Not one person who knows me well could have told anything was wrong. But, I was getting worse, not better...even with my trusty companion "Pretense", I was definitely getting worse. I told my therapist, and he said that my issues seemed worse because I had never really dealt with any of it...I had scratched the surface, shared the minimum, minimized the impact rape had on me...and minimized the events of the rape itself. He encouraged me to keep journaling and to bring that journaling in to him so we could process it together. I DO NOT THINK JOURNALING ALONE IS A BENEFIT. I think journaling, and processing the things that come up while journaling with a competent therapist is crucial to our recovery. Remember what I told you about re-writing the way the brain holds the information from your rape? Journaling is a huge part of that. This is the "it gets worse before it gets better" pase of journaling. In fact, perhaps your psychiatrist knows this is going to happen...expects it...to get you over a lull in your recovery. You told me that you and he have not really talked about the rapes...but more your marriage. Perhaps this is because your psychiatrist knows there is more you need to uncover.