I just found this site tonite and im hopin for some help cause im fallin deeper and deeper...im 24 years old and 6 months ago i was raped..i had been dating this guy for a year and we had never had sex cause i wasnt ready...he always seemed ok with it...never pushed me or anything...then that night we were at a friends house and i had been drinkin...i wasnt totally drunk but i was pretty tipsy..me and my bf were going to go to bed and we started fooling around and i said i was ready and wanted to have sex..he was on top of me and right before things were getting started i told him that i had changed my mind and that i didnt want to...he told me that i was just drunk and it was too late to change my mind..he held my arms over my head and proceeded to have sex with me...all i could say was no..and begging him to stop...he told me that if i would just relax that i would like it and it would be ok...but i just started crying and saying no over and over again but he just wouldnt stop...it probably didnt last very long but it seemed like a lifetime..all i could do was lay there and take it...he was bigger than i was and i was too tipsy to be able to fight him off me...but i thought that no was supposd to be no...that it meant he had to stop...after he had fell asleep that night i got up and took like 4 showers to try and wash it off like it never happend...i stopped talking to him immediately and didnt wanna see him ever again..i told a few people who were close to me a couple of weeks after it happend...but they were no help...they told me it wasnt rape cause he was my boyfriend..and that since i had been drinkin my sayin no didnt count...i got a text message from him about 2 months after and he said that he didnt rape me that i asked for it..and i better not tell anybody that he raped me cause no one was gonna believe me anyway...so i havent told anyone else...i dont talk about it...but now im constantly nervous and sick to my stomach..i dont wanna go out or be touched by anyone..maybe it was my fault...maybe i said no too late...since i said yes to begin with saying no didnt count...i dont know what to do...or where else to turn...i feel too ashamed to go to counseling...i know that might sound stupid but thats just how i feel...i was just hoping that someone here could help me..im having nightmares about it..and its making me crazy...i dont know what to do..thanks to anyone that reads this..i dont wanna take up anyones time i just didnt know where else to turn
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