I stumbled on this website looking for information about a song I heard on the radio that someone had posted. I believe it came up for a reason. I have been reading alot of these discussions over the past few days and my heart goes out to each and every one of you. I too have been through what is very difficult for me to even write for some reason. I know this is a safe place.. why is this so hard? Just over two years ago, I was on and off with my boyfriend of over a year. I had gotten my second dui, lost my license for a year, and was trying to finish up school, all while trying to help my mother whose anxiety/depression/bipolar problems had been getting worse and worse. After some real concerns about moving out of my parents' house, I moved to my own apartment a couple towns away so that I could walk to a school to take classes. My 'boyfriend' had a friend lets just call him "J" who worked at this school. J and I quickly became friends when I moved there and he quickly had me believing that my bf was a real jerk, which was not true. He also had be believing that he was a great guy, calling to wake me up in the morning and driving me to class and anywhere else I needed to go. Really trying to take care of me, at a time when I was in a pretty vunerable place. After a few months went by of us being just friends, I began to develop stronger feelings for J and one night we 'took our relationship to the next level'. That is when things took a huge turn for the worst. He started becoming degrading towards me and acting completely different than the "best friend" I had come to know. A couple days went by where i felt like i was losing my friend who i had come to really depend on. When we hung out next, i was excited to find out he was taking me out for a night on the town. We were out drinking for a while with some friends, then went back to my apartment- nothing out of the ordinary i thought. One of his friends had come back to the apartment as well and J began trying to makeout and be all over me in front of his friend which made me uncomfortable. I told him to stop but that wasn't going to happen. He became pissed and ended up holding me down etc. and egging on his friend to get in on the action; all the while telling me that there was something wrong with me. Anyways, after all this I felt, like many people do in this situation, like maybe I had done something. I felt like I was losing it, and even talked to J when he called the next day. Then as i was walking down the road in 90 degree weather wearing pants and a sweatshirt both to try to hide my body that i felt like crawling out of and to hide the bruises that were on it, I realized I needed to get some sort of help. I walked for miles to the women's center- through bad neighborhoods that i would never trek through alone otherwise. I was able to talk to someone, found some sanity and my now ex boyfriend who i hadn't talked to in weeks happened to drive by me on the walk back to my apartment. He stopped and invited me to come to his house to talk. I ended up telling him everything seeing this as a sign especially after the counciler had told me it might be good to explain it to him. He was more understanding than anyone could imagine and more angry with J as well. Anyways, this is getting way to long winded, but I stopped answering J's calls- that night he called about 45 times from all sorts of different #'s and ex bf continued helping me through it. My apartment building required a key to get in the building at night, another key to get on the floor at all times and one to get in the apartment so i knew J couldnt come in there, but in the morning ex bf called to check on me and as soon as i hung up there was knock at my door- J. Long story short, J moved across the country about a week after this ordeal and continued trying to contact me. Him being so far away did make life a little easier for me, knowing that at least i wouldnt run into him. He moved back but until recently i have felt like i've been able to be over all this. It is strange but just recently i have really been thinking about things and how my trust for people has been effected; how i haven't had a boyfriend in over two years. There is a most amazing man in my life, who i've known for six years now. We dated when we first met and he has moved several places since then but we always come together every at least every few months. The past two months we have been spending a very considerable amount of time together as i had gone to visit him and he had come back to town where i live and we both have family. Since the shit with J happened i had been unable to really let go and dance, just didnt' feel comfortable enough ever, until I went to visit this man who for the past year has only been a friend and with whom i have never slept with. I have always thought of him as someone i could be with for the rest of my life but anyhow, we got into a discussion about our family lives growing up which are very similar and somehow i ended up telling him about what happened to me. We were unable to finish our conversation because someone came by his house but i feel really unsure if this is something that should not be told to a man that i would like to someday be with- one of the only men that i really honestly trust. So that is my real question- is it okay or will he now look at me in a different way?