Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
Hi. I originally joined the anxiety board because I suffer from anxiety, panic disorder and OD. It never dawned on me to join the rape board.
First of all, no I do not PSTD from the rape. The rape occurred 22 years ago and although it took me several years to get past anal things like having a butcher knife between the mattress and box springs, leaving a baseball bat beside my front door and checked under beds, behind shower curtains, in closets, etc., and living like some one out of Psyho.
I want to share my story and how I got myself back on track in hopes of helping some of you. But although I have not read a lot messages here, I do see a theme where a lot of your knew your rapists, date rape, or family rape and did not report it due to whatever reason.
If you fall under this category, you're not reporting it was a choice you made. It could be one you regret now, or it might've been the right thing for you and your family at the time, or it could've been for any reason, but unfortunately, I think that you're not reporting it, seeing justice served, is what is holding you back now from living your life to the fullest. How do you fix that? I have no idea. If it's not too late, then I would suggest pursuing it. Bring things full circle. If no justice is served, at least you have brought things to light. Even if it hurts someone you love, this isn't about them. It's about you........... and you should love yourself above all others.
I also see a few threads where some of you actually still see the one who raped you. Now THAT I cannot even imagine. The rape chapter of my life has strengthened some of my senses about some things, and I can say that if I were to EVER see the man who raped me and changed my life, let's just say it would not be a quiet meeting. Would I be afraid of him? No way. He should be afraid of ME!
I was 24 years old when I was raped. I was living with my "soul mate" and very much in love. Two weeks prior, I had just found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant. We were both ecstatic. He worked the graveyard shift (11 pm to 7 am) and I worked nights as a bartender. I had gotten home about 3 am from work. I was so tired because we had a party the night before and I hadn't had much sleep. We lived in a townhouse and I went upstairs to bed. We had two cats (sisters) and as I heard a "thump" downstairs, I thought it was them as they were always chasing each other. I was too tired to investigate further and wrote it off to it being them.
I was just starting to doze off when I *thought* I imagined this black face peering at me over the top wall at the top of stair railing leading upstairs. To resolve that issue, I just got up, turned on the bathroom light and cracked the door to chase away tired hallucinations. I then proceeded to go to sleep. I awoke to someone on top of me. I was on my stomach and he was laying on my back. I thought it was my fiance' and it was time for him to get home. I was dead wrong. It was a black man and he wasn't there to play scrabble. I was raped over and over again for 3 hours. He told me he had a knife and not to scream. I was fighting him and screaming and he used that knife. He slashed it across my throat. Blood was everywhere. Not only was the bulk of it from that, but also my own fingernails. He had his hand over my mouth, but so much over my nose that I couldn't breathe. I was fighting for breath and trying to remove his hand. I didn't know until later that I had clawed my own face to slivers. My own goal was to live.
He finally did leave. I sat there for the longest time scared to move. Of course he used all the "control words" like "don't call the police or I will kill you boyfriend, etc.". I was in such shock that I believed he was still in the house or would be back. I don't know how long it took me but I finally picked up the phone and called the police. The 911 operator remained on the phone with me the entire time, but she was getting a little frustrated. I was totally hysterical, kept telling her that he was still in the house, etc. When the police arrived, she told me it was the police and I refused to open the door. They finally had to break it down.
I was rushed to the emergency room and a note was left for my fiance' as he was en route home from work, and back then, cell phones weren't the norm. Hard to believe, huh? LOL!
While in examination, the detective spoke with the doctor on this wall speaker thingy and said he had to see me right away. The doctor told him she was in the middle of the exam and he would have to wait, he said NO, I WANT TO SEE HER NOW. She prepared me by dressing me, etc., and let him again. He said that he had to ask me a question and it was very important. He asked me if I had ever dated black men. WHAT? NO! He then said he had something to show me. He showed me a driver's license. Not just any drivers license, but the drivers license of my rapist!!!!! I recognized his face because of the bathroom light being on and allowing light into the room. I about LOST it. His urgency to see me was to identify him to hurry and get to the address on the drivers license.
To make this long story short, he was convicted and was given a total of 99 years. He totally changed my life as well of the life of my unborn child. Hard as he tried, my fiance' couldn't face what had happened to me and the fact that he was black. I understand now that have counseling for significant others. They didn't then. We lasted about 3 mos until he left. By then we had moved out of the townhouse anyway because I wouldn't go back. I went back right afterwards and my own bedroom was alien to me. Everything was covered with white powder where they had fingerprinted. They had taken my sheets and the clothing I was wearing.
I had to remain strong and go on with life because of my unborn child. I said then, and I'll say now, she is what saved my sanity and possibly my life. I had lost the only man that I ever loved and that still stands true. I had lost my future. For a while I felt like it was MY fault. I was told by the victim impact report officer that my rapist had seen me man times coming back and forth as he played at the basketball courts. I was also told he liked white blondes. I even, at one time, went so far afterwards as to dye my hair black. I went thru a lot of different emotions which I guess is typical.
But instead of hiding it and running from it, I faced it head on. I decided to become an advocate for rape victims. I volunteered for years for the rape crisis hotline. THAT was MY therapy. I still, to this day, share my story with women I meet. I'm not ashamed. It wasn't my fault. And I want women that I meet to know it's NOT just an article they read in the newspaper. It's real women............. and they are looking at one. Women can be very very vulnerable........ and I just feel it important they stay aware of their surroundings, etc.
My daughter is now 23. She is just now meeting her real father. That's hard for me. I've never married. I've dated a few times and had a few relationships but nothing compared to the one that I had with him. He is now married and have 2 more children. I raised my daughter alone. At first I hated him for leaving me when I needed him the most. I hate him for suggesting an abortion after the rape because of what the trauma might've done to the unborn child. I thought just plain stupid to question if I could have a 1/2 black and 1/2 white child. I'm not a frickin' cat! I was already pregnant with HIS child before the rape. I thought that the most stupid question I've ever heard. I did not pursue him for child support. I stayed out of his life. I couldn't stand the reminders or the pain. My daughter wanted me to take him to court for child support at the age of 14. That was the first time she met her father. It has taken 9 years for a relationship to form between them. He even called me a few days ago which really turned my life upside down. My daughter just came in and said her "sperm donor" (she has called her father that for YEARS) has emailed her to invite her for "after Thanksgiving leftovers dinner" on Friday at 5. He wants her to meet his two children and his parents (her grandparents). I know what he's doing and I won't go into it now, and I assure you I support it for her, but I'm having a hard time with it.
As for the rape, it has made me into who I am today. Not the anxiety and panic disorder and OCD, but the strength within me. I have anger towards men that leer, rape, perverts, etc. I had a "stalker" coming in my store a few times that was young enough to be my son. His last visit he let it be known why he was coming in. He let me know that he was attracted to older women and he was attracted to me. He also had handcuffs hanging from his back belt loop. Did I fear him? HELL NO! That's what it's all about. A man who rapes doesn't do it for sexual pleasure, they do it for CONTROL.......... they do it because they are COWARDS........... they do it because they want to see the FEAR! He saw the fear alright................ he saw the fear when it came at his face with mace, and after blinded he felt the pain from the baseball bat I keep behind my counter. The police were called and he was led away. Seems the police had been looking for this little pervert for quite awhile. So yeah.............. I don't back down from them and my true rapist might've caught me off guard (hell I was sound asleep and on my stomach............ I didn't stand much of a chance), but he made me into what I am today. Other future rapists will pay his price if they come near me.
And yes he is still in prison. I've been to see him.............. about 5 years ago. I go to his parole hearings. I let them know how not only MY life has changed but the life of my child. But I did visit him on visitation day 5 years ago. He didn't even know who I was. He's now an old man. He's grown old in the past 23 years. I looked him the eye and told him that I hoped he got what he deserved the past 23 years. I told him that I did not fear him. I told him that I hoped HE lived everyday in prison as a rapist in FEAR.
So that's my story................. I'm here for support, words of advice, etc., anytime any of you need it................. just message me.
DO NOT LET THEM TAKE AWAY YOUR JOY! DO NOT LET THEM KEEP YOU FROM MOVING ON AND LIVING LIFE! They are scum of the EARTH! Do you want SCUM OF THE EARTH or BUBBLEGUM ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE TO CONTROL OUR LIFE??? YOU control your life. Only YOU!
First of all, no I do not PSTD from the rape. The rape occurred 22 years ago and although it took me several years to get past anal things like having a butcher knife between the mattress and box springs, leaving a baseball bat beside my front door and checked under beds, behind shower curtains, in closets, etc., and living like some one out of Psyho.
I want to share my story and how I got myself back on track in hopes of helping some of you. But although I have not read a lot messages here, I do see a theme where a lot of your knew your rapists, date rape, or family rape and did not report it due to whatever reason.
If you fall under this category, you're not reporting it was a choice you made. It could be one you regret now, or it might've been the right thing for you and your family at the time, or it could've been for any reason, but unfortunately, I think that you're not reporting it, seeing justice served, is what is holding you back now from living your life to the fullest. How do you fix that? I have no idea. If it's not too late, then I would suggest pursuing it. Bring things full circle. If no justice is served, at least you have brought things to light. Even if it hurts someone you love, this isn't about them. It's about you........... and you should love yourself above all others.
I also see a few threads where some of you actually still see the one who raped you. Now THAT I cannot even imagine. The rape chapter of my life has strengthened some of my senses about some things, and I can say that if I were to EVER see the man who raped me and changed my life, let's just say it would not be a quiet meeting. Would I be afraid of him? No way. He should be afraid of ME!
I was 24 years old when I was raped. I was living with my "soul mate" and very much in love. Two weeks prior, I had just found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant. We were both ecstatic. He worked the graveyard shift (11 pm to 7 am) and I worked nights as a bartender. I had gotten home about 3 am from work. I was so tired because we had a party the night before and I hadn't had much sleep. We lived in a townhouse and I went upstairs to bed. We had two cats (sisters) and as I heard a "thump" downstairs, I thought it was them as they were always chasing each other. I was too tired to investigate further and wrote it off to it being them.
I was just starting to doze off when I *thought* I imagined this black face peering at me over the top wall at the top of stair railing leading upstairs. To resolve that issue, I just got up, turned on the bathroom light and cracked the door to chase away tired hallucinations. I then proceeded to go to sleep. I awoke to someone on top of me. I was on my stomach and he was laying on my back. I thought it was my fiance' and it was time for him to get home. I was dead wrong. It was a black man and he wasn't there to play scrabble. I was raped over and over again for 3 hours. He told me he had a knife and not to scream. I was fighting him and screaming and he used that knife. He slashed it across my throat. Blood was everywhere. Not only was the bulk of it from that, but also my own fingernails. He had his hand over my mouth, but so much over my nose that I couldn't breathe. I was fighting for breath and trying to remove his hand. I didn't know until later that I had clawed my own face to slivers. My own goal was to live.
He finally did leave. I sat there for the longest time scared to move. Of course he used all the "control words" like "don't call the police or I will kill you boyfriend, etc.". I was in such shock that I believed he was still in the house or would be back. I don't know how long it took me but I finally picked up the phone and called the police. The 911 operator remained on the phone with me the entire time, but she was getting a little frustrated. I was totally hysterical, kept telling her that he was still in the house, etc. When the police arrived, she told me it was the police and I refused to open the door. They finally had to break it down.
I was rushed to the emergency room and a note was left for my fiance' as he was en route home from work, and back then, cell phones weren't the norm. Hard to believe, huh? LOL!
While in examination, the detective spoke with the doctor on this wall speaker thingy and said he had to see me right away. The doctor told him she was in the middle of the exam and he would have to wait, he said NO, I WANT TO SEE HER NOW. She prepared me by dressing me, etc., and let him again. He said that he had to ask me a question and it was very important. He asked me if I had ever dated black men. WHAT? NO! He then said he had something to show me. He showed me a driver's license. Not just any drivers license, but the drivers license of my rapist!!!!! I recognized his face because of the bathroom light being on and allowing light into the room. I about LOST it. His urgency to see me was to identify him to hurry and get to the address on the drivers license.
To make this long story short, he was convicted and was given a total of 99 years. He totally changed my life as well of the life of my unborn child. Hard as he tried, my fiance' couldn't face what had happened to me and the fact that he was black. I understand now that have counseling for significant others. They didn't then. We lasted about 3 mos until he left. By then we had moved out of the townhouse anyway because I wouldn't go back. I went back right afterwards and my own bedroom was alien to me. Everything was covered with white powder where they had fingerprinted. They had taken my sheets and the clothing I was wearing.
I had to remain strong and go on with life because of my unborn child. I said then, and I'll say now, she is what saved my sanity and possibly my life. I had lost the only man that I ever loved and that still stands true. I had lost my future. For a while I felt like it was MY fault. I was told by the victim impact report officer that my rapist had seen me man times coming back and forth as he played at the basketball courts. I was also told he liked white blondes. I even, at one time, went so far afterwards as to dye my hair black. I went thru a lot of different emotions which I guess is typical.
But instead of hiding it and running from it, I faced it head on. I decided to become an advocate for rape victims. I volunteered for years for the rape crisis hotline. THAT was MY therapy. I still, to this day, share my story with women I meet. I'm not ashamed. It wasn't my fault. And I want women that I meet to know it's NOT just an article they read in the newspaper. It's real women............. and they are looking at one. Women can be very very vulnerable........ and I just feel it important they stay aware of their surroundings, etc.
My daughter is now 23. She is just now meeting her real father. That's hard for me. I've never married. I've dated a few times and had a few relationships but nothing compared to the one that I had with him. He is now married and have 2 more children. I raised my daughter alone. At first I hated him for leaving me when I needed him the most. I hate him for suggesting an abortion after the rape because of what the trauma might've done to the unborn child. I thought just plain stupid to question if I could have a 1/2 black and 1/2 white child. I'm not a frickin' cat! I was already pregnant with HIS child before the rape. I thought that the most stupid question I've ever heard. I did not pursue him for child support. I stayed out of his life. I couldn't stand the reminders or the pain. My daughter wanted me to take him to court for child support at the age of 14. That was the first time she met her father. It has taken 9 years for a relationship to form between them. He even called me a few days ago which really turned my life upside down. My daughter just came in and said her "sperm donor" (she has called her father that for YEARS) has emailed her to invite her for "after Thanksgiving leftovers dinner" on Friday at 5. He wants her to meet his two children and his parents (her grandparents). I know what he's doing and I won't go into it now, and I assure you I support it for her, but I'm having a hard time with it.
As for the rape, it has made me into who I am today. Not the anxiety and panic disorder and OCD, but the strength within me. I have anger towards men that leer, rape, perverts, etc. I had a "stalker" coming in my store a few times that was young enough to be my son. His last visit he let it be known why he was coming in. He let me know that he was attracted to older women and he was attracted to me. He also had handcuffs hanging from his back belt loop. Did I fear him? HELL NO! That's what it's all about. A man who rapes doesn't do it for sexual pleasure, they do it for CONTROL.......... they do it because they are COWARDS........... they do it because they want to see the FEAR! He saw the fear alright................ he saw the fear when it came at his face with mace, and after blinded he felt the pain from the baseball bat I keep behind my counter. The police were called and he was led away. Seems the police had been looking for this little pervert for quite awhile. So yeah.............. I don't back down from them and my true rapist might've caught me off guard (hell I was sound asleep and on my stomach............ I didn't stand much of a chance), but he made me into what I am today. Other future rapists will pay his price if they come near me.
And yes he is still in prison. I've been to see him.............. about 5 years ago. I go to his parole hearings. I let them know how not only MY life has changed but the life of my child. But I did visit him on visitation day 5 years ago. He didn't even know who I was. He's now an old man. He's grown old in the past 23 years. I looked him the eye and told him that I hoped he got what he deserved the past 23 years. I told him that I did not fear him. I told him that I hoped HE lived everyday in prison as a rapist in FEAR.
So that's my story................. I'm here for support, words of advice, etc., anytime any of you need it................. just message me.
DO NOT LET THEM TAKE AWAY YOUR JOY! DO NOT LET THEM KEEP YOU FROM MOVING ON AND LIVING LIFE! They are scum of the EARTH! Do you want SCUM OF THE EARTH or BUBBLEGUM ON THE BOTTOM OF YOUR SHOE TO CONTROL OUR LIFE??? YOU control your life. Only YOU!
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theatre and I are there already. I'm having a very berry tea with crackers, cheese and cherry tomatoes and she's having a joint with some beer and we're both on really comfy recliners on thick pile carpet. we need some help with the decor if anyone is around??
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I'm trying to exercise daily. I was doing fairly well until I sprained my ankle 2 weeks ago but now I'm getting back on the horse. Today I walked over a mile with my arm weights that are about 22lbs total. I was out of shape and it was hard on my arms. I also did my 30 situps. I'm also going to drink a lot of water and try to eat healthy. I do tend to have a sweet tooth but I'm cutting...
Thank you, purpleorchid, for replying. I didn't mean to make you cry. Don't cry.......... it was a time of my life that was very traumatic and some people will say "I don't know how you survived that". I DID survive it............. read my post with HOPE in your heart and not tears in your eyes.
You have been raped twice by boyfriends. It also goes on a lot in marriages. And yes, being pinned down and violated like that is a way of controlling you but also taking away your own control. You couldn't do anything to make it stop because HE had control. You just happened to make the wrong choice in boyfriends. Be more careful next time, girlfriend! My daughter is now 23.............. although I have shared with her my experience, whenever she meets a new man she now asks for my opinion. My advice to her is to NEVER meet someone new for the first few dates alone. Meet in a public place. NEVER allow them into your home. Take YOUR car and meet them. If y'all decide to leave the first meeting place and go somewhere else, then drive YOUR car and let him drive his. Give the relationship time to grow with caution. Get to know him. Get to know his friends. Even get to know his family if you can. Those words of advice do not come from my rape experience, they come from having a 23 year old daughter and living in the world that we do now.
I volunteer often at an abused women's shelter. These are women who have had to literally pick up their kids and run from their abusive husbands with nothing but the clothes on their back. They had the courage it takes to do that. There are still so many others out there who are still living with husbands and/or significant others who are abusing them and they are afraid to leave. I have a personal friend who lives that life. Yes, not only is her husband abusive in the physical sense of beating her, but he also "forces himself on her daily. There is a part of me that has sympathy for her, but then there is that strong side of me that can't understand why she can't find the strength to leave. Why live your life like that? There is so much more out there to live for. Years are going to pass, you're going to grow older, and you will look back and see how many years you have lost living in the past when you could've been living YOUR life!
Being violated and raped is one of the most horrid experiences a woman can experience. I still have the newspaper article from when my rapist was convicted in court. The judge sentenced him to 99 years, but he said, "I wish I could give you more. What you have done to this woman will effect her for the rest of her life". The judge gave him the max for each charge and he had them run concurrently which means he will be there until he's an old man............... he already looks old and he's not even 50. I can only hope that HE is raped each and every day that he is there. Other men in prison do not take well to rapist or child molesters (of which I am also a victim of....... by my uncle when I was 4).
Live your lives ladies! Don't let your violator control it. Let the experience help you to grow. If he's still a part of your life somewhere, then press those charges! Take him to court. Because always remember, once a rapist, always a rapist. You could save someone else the anguish you are going thru. It may hurt families including your own. It may split families. But what HE did to you is not to be overlooked. This is about YOU and what you need to do to bring closure to this chapter of your life.
If you are still in a relationship with your violator, then get the hell out! If it was the father of a best friend, and you just don't have the courage or the strength to make it public and take it to court, then face him head on. Reach down and find that strength............ let him know that you do not fear him and MEAN IT! DO NOT FEAR HIM! Then take a baseball bat and hit him between the legs with it......... LOL! No seriously, do whatever it takes to face him with no fear, rid yourself of what he's done, remember he is SICK, and wash your hands of him. BE DONE WITH IT.
Do not live your life in fear. Do not spend sleepless nights with anxiety. Do not be a PTSD victim in years to come. Do not allow this to ruin whatever future relationships you may have. YOU are in control. Only YOU can do it.
Danielle............. bless your heart. Typing and keeping a journal is the best way to get your thoughts and feelings out of your head. I also don't know your personal experience, but I know this is a rape board of rape victims, so I assume that everyone here has in one way or another been violated by a man.
You DO your writing........... get those angry feelings down in a journal whether by typing or writing. I found a good healer for me was keeping handwritten notes. It became a ritual for me when something was haunting me or I was very angry. I would write so fast that I could hardly read my own riding.......... once finished, I would BURN it and focus on it. Believe it or not, if you will FOCUS on the ritual of burning it, in your mind you have are letting go of that anger, that fear. In your mind focus on everything that is going up in flames. Get rid of it........... be done with it. Mind over matter really works. Set your mind on that one goal....... to rid yourselves of the memories, the nightmares, the anger, etc., and write it down and DESTROY it. Pretend it's HIM and DESTROY HIM! DESTROY WHAT HE HAS DONE TO YOU. Do not, for God's sake, let what he did to you destroy you.
To just share a small metaphor how mind over matter works without seeing a therapist and taking some control yourself, I'll share a little story of my daughter when she was 2. She had a pacifier since birth (and for whatever reason nicknamed it her "pow pow"...... no this did not come from me..... lol........ most kids call her like their binky or something.......... she named hers herself........ she called it a "pow pow" Lord only knows why......... lol).
One day, she saw the trashmen come as she peered out of the livingroom window. She asked me what they were doing. I told her they were the trashmen and they picked up the trash every week.
Her and I had had little discussions in the past about it would soon come time to give up her "pow pow". I didn't want to force her yet, as I had hoped she would eventually give it up on her own as I would often discuss it with her.
The next week, she must have been thinking about those trashmen. As we set the trashcans out, at two years old, she told me that she would like to giver her "pow pow" to the trashmen. We created a ritual. We very carefully wrapped her "pow pow" in a cloth (so the trash wouldn't get it dirty....... ya know! Gotta make it "special"), and she placed it carefully in the trashcan.
The next morning we both sat at the livingroom window. The trashmen came and my little girl waved and said "bye bye pow pow". She never again spoke of it......... it was like it was erased from her mind. She had her little "ritual" and it was done.
Of course now that she's 23, I tease her from time to time about calling it her "pow pow", but she has no memory of any trauma of giving it up (like some kids do) or any bad memories of having it taken from her, or any memory at all of it.
So sometimes "rituals" that you create yourself can work wonders. And believe me, I'm not at ALL relating a "pow pow" to a "Rape"........... I'm just trying to get across sometimes, if done right, we can rid ourselves of things on our own......... and that yes that comment does include a rape.
I will will NEVER forget the night I was raped. I will never forget every single minute of those 3 hours and it's been 23 years. But I have no fear. I have no nightmares. I have no anger unless threatened. If threatened, then I have anger not fear. I would rather die and take him down with me. But I can assure you, unless there was no way I could get any control whatsoever, I would again survive............... how do I know? Because ladies, I am a SURVIVOR! I make the best of life every single day (at least where this topic is concerned................ I do suffer from panic attacks and anxiety and OCD if you ever read my journal on her, but they are NOT related to the rape). As far the rape, I have STRENGTH. YOU have strength! YOU have a life and you need to LIVE it.
Always feel free to message me........... I'm here for you always.
I "can" relive it when I try to as I did by posting......... it is something I will NEVER forget (nor will you)... as it played a part in the person I am now.......... but in answer to you question, NO, I never slip back into the feelings that I had then. They were feelings like no other........... no one but someone that has been thru it truly knows that uncontrollable, fearful, jumpy, and a bag of other emotions feeling. I hope to NEVER have to relive those feelings again.
That was one of my reasons for coming here. THERE is life after rape......... it just takes a really long time. How you get there, the steps you take, etc., is an individual thing to you. But time heals if you allow it to.
The only time I have the reminders is when I hear of my daughter's father or like when he called the other day and I had not heard his voice in years. He brought back the reminders......... but not the feelings of the fear of the rape, but the feelings I've always had for him.
Does that answer your question?
The "rapist" that changed my life? No I no longer have nightmares, I no longer have fear, and when I think of him, I have anger. I think it helped me cross over when I went to the prison and faced him face-to-face.
Getting over that last bearer is an individual's choice. Mine was facing him. For years I couldn't sleep well and I was transferring my own fears over to my children. In this day in age, you have to be cautious, but I found that I was terrifying my children and it was my own memories and fear that was doing it.
So I faced it head on........... i faced HIM head on. And I emerged from it a new person. A cautious one, but a new one with strength and courage. Those nightmares turned into dreams.
If you want message me........... delve further into exactly what you are looking for from me. I feel like you are reaching out........ and I just want to make sure I'm on the same page with you.
Yes we are all women and we ALL have strength........... for so many of you, you just have to find it and draw from it. As you start to draw from it, it grows.
I don't know your personal story, but I have no doubt that you are broken. I was broken for a VERY VERY long time. I always would say I couldn't wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel, but all I could see was the light on the train coming right for me.
All you can do, all any of you can do, is take one day at a time and one step at a time towards recovery. But make it a point........... to always take a step each day. Focus on that step. You might take two steps forward and then the next day take one step back. Don't let that be a disappointment to you and throw up your hands and say "FORGET IT. I CAN'T DO THIS" cuz' don't forget the two steps forward you took before the one step backward. YOU CAN DO IT. It will take time and don't get overanxious wanting your life back too fast. It will only discourage you and make you a mess. Always keep in mind that it will take a lot of time, but at the same time, keep moving forward in baby steps. Find things you enjoy and lose yourself in them. Find things that you've never done before and learn something new.
Learning something new and accomplishing it has always been a spirit lifter for me. Hell, just today, for the first time I'm going to replace all the electrical sockets in my house. I ain't no electrician.......... LOL! But I talked to some and I'm doing this myself! Why? Because it brings me self-gratification an d self-gratification brings me joy........... and having joy continues to improve on the person that I've strived to become.
Now keep in mind, I did not PLAN to replace all the electrical outlets in my house. It's not something I'm doing because I find it "fun". Oh no! My electricity in the house decided to play tricks yesterday. The power in two of my bedrooms and the outlet to my TV in the livingroom all went out. No reason. I wasn't even home using up currant. A friend of a friend came and replaced all the breakers in my box............ that didn't work. And YES LADIES........... he was a MAN. I didn't know him. Did it bring back any fear? Absolutely not. Did I invite him into my home? Absolutely not! I have no fear, but I have common sense. I assume that's either being smart or it's a residue of my "past" life.
But today I will once again show strength............. I'll be playing with electricity. LOL!
There was a song once and I think maybe Aretha Franklin sung it? I forget who sung that song but it was popular in the 1970's or 80's............ I forget which and probably most of you dont' even remember it because the majority of you are so young, but I've used those words MANY times over the years and still do................
I AM WOMAN, HERE ME ROAR!
However, today............. I might be singing that old song............... and again forgetting the name but was it by the Rolling Stones or someone of that area............ "FIRE! BURN MF BURN!" LOL! That's a joke, okay? I'm not going to burn my house down trying to replace electrical outlets............... REMEMBER, I AM WOMAN................ WOMAN SMART ENOUGH TO TURN OFF MAIN POWER SWITCH FIRST :) :)