I have hated myself for years for doing to this guy who really had a crush on me what I usually did with all the other guys who I just used for sex when I was very promiscuous after my rapes. I had been treating guys simply as sexual counterparts with no more feeling for me then I had for them. At the end of this time which had been going on for almost twenty years one of my female friend told me this guy who hung around but was kinda shy and a little younger had a crush on me. I blew it off as he was not my usual type of sexual partner as he was not self centered and all out to get whatever was good for himself. Well, I was really wasted at a club we went to on a regular basis one night (a normal thing for me back then as I can only have sex and get past my inhibitions if I was self medicated and totally wasted) and this guy was there and approached me to talk and asked to dance. So in my screwed up mind I just assumed he was looking for sex and told him to come home with me. If I had been sober I never would have done this and I am not excusing myself by blaming it on the drugs and alcohol. It's just when I am sober I like to think I have a little more human feeling and know right from wrong. I should have realized he was to emotionally involved in the whole thing for it to be one of my slam am thank you mam one night stands that I practiced. The first clue was when I woke up the next morning and he was still there. I'm hungover as normal and thought I just needed to prod him out the door when he starts talking about what we should do that day together and he knew I was planning on putting a new stereo in my car and he could come over on Sunday and work on that for me and just on and on. I totally freaked out and told him that wasn't the way I was, I did not do relationships and that he was just sex like all the other guys I had slept with. I can remember to this day the look on his face as I basically stomped on his heart and kicked it out the door. My God I was so cruel, he left and I didn't see him hanging around for a while. Then one of my friends told me that she had talked to his best friend and he told him what had happened and that it really hurt him because he really liked me and thought I was special. I was so ashamed in myself, this set me into one of my black moods. This is before I was diagnosed for depression and everything else so I didn't know what these were. I didn't leave the house for a week called in sick to work, refused to pickup the phone or answer the door. I just laid there and listened to the same song over and over again thinking I should do everyone a favor by committing succeed because I was a waste of human life that would hurt innocent people who didn't deserve it. I eventually came out of it and had a realization that I needed professional help and that I could not do it in the town that I lived because I would be barraged by all these memories and friends who wouldn't understand what I was doing and inadvertently pull me back to the bad side of myself. So I stopped self medicating and spent the next six months planning my move from the East coast to the West coast. I moved not knowing anyone or having a place to live or a job, but I knew I had to do this to get better. Well, that was almost nine years ago and I have a new life without any anything but doctor prescribed medications, started treatment for my depression and started therapy with my therapist 4-5 years ago. I am not going to say my life is great or even good. I have experienced serious periods of depression where I have my sucicide planned down to the last moment. But after many years of extreme highs and lows I was diagnosed with BPD, PTSD and BI POLAR II, I was put on mood stabilizers and started reading on how to control some of my triggers that put me over the edge. The thing that still haunts me to this day is that I never apologized for the way I treated this guy or even thanked him for being responsible for making me realize I was on a road to self destruction and gave me the initiative to start on a road to recovery. I am not there yet and still have along way to go but at least I heading in the right direction. I know that one of the twelve steps in recovery such as AA & NA involves making amends to those we have wronged, I am not really using either of these forums for recovery but I keep still getting these flashes that I will not be able to become a whole person and a survivor until I make amends. I would have a hard time finding him as I live cross country and don't remember his last name and have stopped associating with all the people I hung with at that time as I needed to cut all those old ties to move forward. So do you think this is something I could do by writing a letter to him and spilling it all out on paper even though I have no place to send it? This whole issues makes me so sad that I cry whenever I think of it.
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