everynight of the week it feels i am constantly batteling with my mind to not fall asleep. I have been to a sleep clinic i have taken med's to make me sleep. and i have gone to a doc. whos tried the whole "reliving experience". i am at my last straw and want help..i have let this physically take over my life, lose many great oppurtunities and take away my true self worth. Its depressing to say im only 19 years old and this happend 5 years ago. and for 4 years i put it behind me and truly believed i grew into this strong, brave girl who wasnt affected by anything. and now i see his face in my dreams and my helpless body laying there as if in some way it were my fault that at 14 years old i shouldnt of been drinking a beer and lieing to my parents. guilt consumes me, and my dreams are no longer happy. there dark and scary. sleeping to me is like pulling teeth..i just dont want to do it. you cannot NOt sleep its not possible. My boyfriend of 4 months is very helpful and worried but i do not know how to bring up my true feelings because im terrified this will continue to consume my life and ill never find someone who loves me if they truly understand how i feel still. i feel gross and so ugly from the fact that i was damaged like that. im an awsome person to be around always try to laugh i know im not ugly deep down. but i feel as if this makes me ugly. i have no idea how to break the ice and tell my bf that i feel these things? and as for sleep..youre supposed to sleep to dream but how can you when all you do is relive the same horrible pictures in your head of one horrrible horrible night? i need advice
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